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A Day In The Life Of Vladimir Putin
Leaked transcript brings us an intimate portrait of Russia’s beleaguered Tzar
Putin is in his palatial Briefing Room, sitting at one end of a half-kilometer long white marble table. The massive oak doors at the opposite end of the room slowly creak open and Sergei Shoigu, clad in his full dress uniform and weighed down by 1,789 medals, crawls laboriously toward the serfs’ end of the marble table. Behind him, equally weighed down by his own total of 1,656 medals, Valery Gerasimov crawls subserviently toward the rough wooden stool upon which he will have to eventually heave himself. Fortunately, Gerasimov has a typical peasant’s mentality and regards the stool as a sign of great luxury. Hidden in his pocket is his emergency turnip, something he’s carried with him since he was seven years old, just in case.
Putin watches his servile lackeys crawling slowly toward their positions at the opposite end of the table. He is a patient man. He is Lord of All He Surveys. He is Tzar of All Russia. And he is sitting on a very soft comfortable red velvet pillow so as to minimize the discomfort engendered by his perpetually inflamed hemorrhoids. His cancer medication dulls the pain of his intestines which, these days, barely function and that same medication gives him his now-standard look of puffy and slightly confused…
