A Lifetime Of Learning About Sexuality
How the stories I’ve been told by women have shown me we’re all far more similar than we might imagine
Despite the fact that I’ve never been tall, never been handsome, and never been absurdly wealthy, by unaccountable good fortune I’ve enjoyed a wide variety of intimate experiences with a wide variety of women. And throughout my life I’ve been fascinated by the perspectives to which I’ve been privy by the simple act of listening. I love to hear women speaking of their experiences, their thoughts, their fantasies, their desires. To learn how another person shapes their experiences is to understand something essential about being human.
Today we live in a world in which statistics are a click away and in which endless fora capture the outpourings of polls, surveys, and studies. Want to know how many women in Kansas have fantasized about a romp in the hay with Kermit the Frog? There’s probably a statistic of dubious merit lurking somewhere in the distant reaches of the Internet.
(A word of warning: actually performing this search may lead to significant brain damage and/or uncontrollable arousal.)
Yet despite all the information at our fingertips, a great many people still wonder if their predilections are “normal” or if they are alone in the world when it comes to one or more particular desires or fantasies.
Well, yes. Yes, you are alone. I can tell you with absolute assurance that no one else has ever, at any time or in any place, successfully masturbated to the fantasy of enjoying carnal relations with a tadpole. But hey, if that’s what you need to get off then more power (and more tadpoles) to you.
But for the vast majority of us there will be many others who have thought, wanted, and perhaps even experienced similar things. Despite the fact that I have long resembled a Galapagos tortoise more closely than I resemble the older Robert Redford, I’ve been graced with an accumulation of insight regarding a “statistically significant” number of women’s desires. Yes, the sample has necessarily been skewed towards those whose judgement was sufficiently poor and whose sense of aesthetics was sufficiently absent for them to enter into a sexual relationship with me; nevertheless, some of what I’ve learned over the last four-and-a-half decades may be of general interest.
Let’s begin with the obvious ones. Of all the women I’ve known, about 70% have at one time or another fantasized about sexual intimacy with another woman. At least 30% have actually had one or more such encounters in real life and I’ve never known a single woman who’s regretted the experience.
Similarly, at least 70% have had fantasies of non-consensual sexual intercourse and around 5% have in one way or another tried to act out a scenario in real life, with varying degrees of success.
Not surprisingly, in recent years around 60% have used online pornography as a primary aid to masturbation. What consistently surprises me, however, is that the most favored pornographic resources are the most overtly non-feminist. Rough sex, double and triple penetrations, bondage and spanking are cited as reliable go-to viewing far more often than the soft-and-gentle women-taking-the-lead productions that are praised for their Political Correctness but apparently largely ignored for the same reason.
In total nearly 90% of the women I’ve known have masturbated regularly, ranging from once a week to multiple times per day, regardless of whether or not they also in a sexual relationship with someone. Fewer than five percent of women have told me that they rarely or never masturbate and the reason has always been the same: it makes them feel lonely.
Returning for a moment to the topic of Political Correctness, no doubt due to the aforementioned selection bias, none of the women I’ve known over the last twenty-five years have favored the “untrimmed bush” look. Regardless of what some may claim, it appears that smoothness is favored by the majority and most especially by those who enjoy same-sex encounters. As one woman said to me, “who wants to go down on a hairy bush?” And on a personal note, the PC claim that men who prefer women smooth are latent pedophiles is as absurd as pretending that women who prefer men to be clean-shaven are also latent pedophiles.
Even before the atrocious 50 Shades series was foisted on a hitherto innocent world, about two-thirds of the women I’ve known enjoyed being spanked and quite a few enjoyed a great deal more than that. About 40% enjoy bondage and blindfolds, and a surprising quarter have enjoyed ice and wax play. Also to my surprise (and my initial concern) about the same percentage of women enjoy verbal humiliation, situational humiliation, or both. This is a far higher percentage than I’d have guessed had someone years ago posed the question to me abstractly, and I suspect it is closely tied to non-consensual fantasy. Interestingly, the women I’ve known who’ve been most aroused by humiliation have also been the most self-confident and the highest achievers in their professional careers. Is there a link? Personally, I’m skeptical of armchair psychology so I shall leave this particular avenue unexplored.
Remaining vaguely in the same neighborhood, around 46% of women have been submissive in bed, some extremely so. Conversely about five percent have been stridently opposed to anything other than pre-negotiated positions, roles, and near-mathematical equality regarding time spent on top or underneath. Perhaps oddly, the few women I’ve known who were interested in experimenting with pegging (penetration of the male partner by means of a strap-on dildo) were all happy being submissive in bed rather than belonging to the strict-equality group.
About three-quarters of the women I’ve known have been multi-orgasmic and have reached climax through a wide variety of means including clitoral stimulation, vaginal penetration, anal penetration, and (by means of psychological dynamic alone) through fellatio. For the record, as the obvious riposte is “women always lie to men about their orgasms to make the men feel better” I’m talking here about women’s self-reported orgasms outside the context of my own intimacy with them. Of all the women I’ve known over the last 46 years, only two were entirely unable to reach orgasm by any means.
Speaking of self-reporting, most of the women I’ve listened to have also said that they’d never tell their significant other about their fantasy lives. A great many told me that I was the only man they’d ever spoken to about such things, because somehow they knew I wouldn’t judge them or use anything they told me against them. Most had experienced negative results from confiding in previous partners, which is deeply sad.
About ten percent of women I’ve known have enjoyed talking during sex, by which I don’t mean stock phrases such as “fuck me” or “you’re my bitch” or “oh yes daddy, I’d love a prawn sandwich” or any other stock clichés. I mean verbal descriptions, elaborate stories, which serve to stimulate the erotic imagination and enable the woman to explore through fantasy things which she may or may not ultimately want to try in real life. As for general noises such as moans and cries, just under a quarter of women in my personal experience are pleasingly vocal; around as many are usually more or less silent, while the remainder are semi-vocal, often becoming more expressive as orgasm approaches.
And on the topic of exploration, about fifteen percent of women I’ve known have experienced being with another man and woman (FMF) and about an equal percentage have experienced being with two or more men simultaneously (MMF). As the latter is considerably easier to arrange than the former, I believe it is largely male insecurity that prevents a greater incidence of this kind of pleasure. Nearly half the women I’ve known have expressed strong interest in being with two or more men at the same time, so it would seem there’s a significant unmet need here. No doubt some enterprising young programmer will soon release an app. One last word: nearly every woman who’s tried it has reported absolutely adoring double penetration and the intense orgasms it almost always delivers.
On the perennial topic of swallowing semen, only about ten percent of the women I’ve known have found this either psychologically or physically unpleasant, and nearly all of them were very early encounters. Over the last few decades I’ve not been with any women who’ve been unwilling to swallow cum, and a great many seem to relish it.
As an aside, as semen contains a small quantity of testosterone, it may well be that the energy boost resulting from swallowing semen ends up being a positive motivator, either consciously or unconsciously. Conversely however I’ve been told by many women that they won’t swallow if the man is a smoker; apparently the semen of smokers is revolting.
With regards to sex drive in general, it’s my impression that the Gaussian distribution is more or less the same for women as it is for men: about ten percent like a lot of sex (multiple times per day if possible) and about ten percent are in the once-or-twice-a-month bracket, with most people settling for two or three times per week. As for duration it’s almost the same: about 20% of the women I’ve known have relished the chance to fuck without respite for hours at a time, and about 20% have expressed the opinion that much shorter periods of indulgence are preferable. For most, about half an hour at a time seems ideal.
On the outer reaches of sexual exploration, about 8% of the women I’ve known have fantasized about sex with a male dog and 3% have actually had the opportunity to experience it, all of whom reported the occurrences as highly erotic and all expressed disappointment that such events tended to be brief, albeit readily repeatable. I’ve not personally known anyone who wanted to have sex with other kinds of animals (snake, donkey, pig, Trump family member, etc.).
I continue to be surprised by the significant percentage of women who express a desire to swallow a man’s urine stream directly from his penis (around 17%), especially as this particular fetish long pre-dated Internet pornography and must have arisen directly within the minds of the women themselves.
Finally, again to my initial surprise, around 18% of women over the years have expressed a strong desire to perform fellatio immediately after being sodomized and once again this pre-dated Internet pornography and so can’t be ascribed to social conditioning. It should be noted, however, that in nearly all cases the women in question have taken care to cleanse themselves thoroughly beforehand, so it’s not clear that this particular desire can be labeled coprophilic. I suspect there are a range of motivations, ranging from a simple desire for humiliation through to a desire to embrace all possibilities.
What’s the most common regret I’ve heard, especially over the last few years as those I know grow older? Simply this: “I wish I’d had the courage to experiment more when I had the opportunity. I said no to so many things I’d gladly say yes to now. It’s like you spend so much of your life as a woman saying no, and then suddenly there’s no one to say yes to. It’s as if you made a turn in the road you didn’t notice and now there’s just a never-ending wasteland ahead.”
Once again I want to stress that sample bias undoubtedly influences the kinds of experiences I’ve had and the things I’ve been told. In addition to the obviously lamentable lack of good judgement on the part of the women I’ve known sexually, I’ve actively avoided women who are either religionists or “spiritual.” In the case of the former, the toxic fairytales they’ve absorbed too often leave them emotionally and sexually crippled; in the case of the latter there are almost invariably serious anger problems lurking under the shiny New Age surface.
So, as they say in US advertising, “your results may vary.”
But at the very least, hopefully we can all know that regardless of our fantasies and desires, we’re just normal people. Knowing this may perhaps lead to greater comfort with our sexuality and hence a greater willingness to embrace opportunities as they arise.
As the Buddha is supposed to have said, “The problem is, you think you have time.”
But none of us do. Life goes past very, very quickly.