All Coronavirus, All The Time
Your daily dose of fear-inducing reportage, because you can never be frightened enough
Everywhere we turn we’re informed that SARS-CoV2 is an existential threat the likes of which we’ve never experienced in the history of the entire universe, or at least since last year, which is further back than most people can remember at the best of times, never mind when they’re being bombarded constantly with absurdly sensationalist messages.
If it’s impossible to fight overwhelming stupidity, the only sane thing to do is exploit it. And so, without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, if you’re all sitting comfortably, allow me to introduce The Never-Ending Covid Update.
(Note: some of these reports are pure parody; some are taken from real life. In our present state of media-induced mindless hysteria, will anyone be able to spot the difference?)
A woman who contracted SARS-CoV2 back in April is now suffering from an ingrowing toenail which if left untreated could eventually result in her dying from sepsis in about thirty years’ time. Estimates of worldwide covid-related ingrowing toenails provided by our resident expert, Doctor Excel Spreadsheet Straight Line Extrapolation Model, suggest that as many as twenty-seven people will die of covid-related ingrowing toenails over the next several decades, a prediction that has left many people so frightened they are no longer willing to take off their shoes and socks.
A ninety-eight-year-old grandmother who smoked eighty cigarettes a day from the age of eleven has been cruelly snatched from us by covid-19. Experts estimate that as many as sixty similar cases may be experienced around the world in the coming months, a prediction that many (e.g. me, my pet hamster, and a Lego man I like to call Uncle Jim) are saying will turn geriatric homes into centers of unparalleled carnage and horror.
Mr James Dandelion of Sudwell Heath fell to his death today when his parachute failed to deploy properly. Doctors are presently uncertain whether or not the accident was caused by James’ cousin’s best friend’s wife seeing a man who may have had SARS-Cov2 pass by in a car three weeks ago. Politicians are now calling for a ban on all car driving as a…