All Coronavirus, All The Time
Your daily dose of fear-inducing reportage, because you can never be frightened enough
Everywhere we turn we’re informed that SARS-CoV2 is an existential threat the likes of which we’ve never experienced in the history of the entire universe, or at least since last year, which is further back than most people can remember at the best of times, never mind when they’re being bombarded constantly with absurdly sensationalist messages.
If it’s impossible to fight overwhelming stupidity, the only sane thing to do is exploit it. And so, without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, if you’re all sitting comfortably, allow me to introduce The Never-Ending Covid Update.
(Note: some of these reports are pure parody; some are taken from real life. In our present state of media-induced mindless hysteria, will anyone be able to spot the difference?)
A woman who contracted SARS-CoV2 back in April is now suffering from an ingrowing toenail which if left untreated could eventually result in her dying from sepsis in about thirty years’ time. Estimates of worldwide covid-related ingrowing toenails provided by our resident expert, Doctor Excel Spreadsheet Straight Line Extrapolation Model, suggest that as many as twenty-seven people will die of covid-related ingrowing toenails over the next several decades, a prediction that has left many people so frightened they are no longer willing to take off their shoes and socks.
A ninety-eight-year-old grandmother who smoked eighty cigarettes a day from the age of eleven has been cruelly snatched from us by covid-19. Experts estimate that as many as sixty similar cases may be experienced around the world in the coming months, a prediction that many (e.g. me, my pet hamster, and a Lego man I like to call Uncle Jim) are saying will turn geriatric homes into centers of unparalleled carnage and horror.
Mr James Dandelion of Sudwell Heath fell to his death today when his parachute failed to deploy properly. Doctors are presently uncertain whether or not the accident was caused by James’ cousin’s best friend’s wife seeing a man who may have had SARS-Cov2 pass by in a car three weeks ago. Politicians are now calling for a ban on all car driving as a precautionary measure that will almost certainly save countless skydiver lives.
In yesterday’s episode of Baking Muffins With Mary we learned how to make chocolate-raspberry muffins as a “try not to die while I’m talking to you” gift for those stricken with covid-19 and how even the 92% of people who remain totally asymptomatic nevertheless could die at any moment and will thus greatly appreciate a last opportunity to bite into a spongy ultra-chocolaty treat.
The International Olympic Committee has decided to add Putting On Your Mask In Less Than Two Seconds to the list of officially recognized Olympic sports, and will pioneer the first international Mask-On competition during the 2021 Tokyo games (which are now slated to be held in 2022, having already been postponed from 2020 to 2021).
Penguin Books has announced it will re-issue a series of classic novels and plays, all updated for the covid era. New titles will include The Facemask of Monte Cristo, The Virus of Notre Dame, David Covidfield, From Here To Six Feet Away, SARS and Loathing In Las Vegas, and finally Cry, the Beviraled Country. It was felt unnecessary to update Les Liaisons Dangereuses and Much Ado About Nothing.
Actor/Director Kenneth Branagh has announced he’ll be staging a topical interpretation of Hamlet at the London Barbican in which all the actors will be dressed as coronaviruses, will cough their lines instead of declaiming them, and will all collapse and die in the final act. He’s also planning a version of Romeo and Juliet in which the eponymous leads fall in love with each other’s facemasks but never come within six feet of each other and therefore avoid their traditional fate, going on to live happily ever after until they both die separately of obesity-related diseases in their mid-forties.
In order to avoid mass hysteria breaking out, the world international soccer federation FIFA has announced that henceforth all games will be played with square balls, as constant media presentations of pictures of coronavirus means than round objects now induce seizures and palpitations among 81% of the population. In related news, astronomers have promised to stop referring to the sun’s corona and will instead use the phrase “straggly sun-hair.”
Astronomers are also under political pressure to condemn Mars, as the planet is now as close as it ever gets to Earth, violating all planetary social distancing rules and endangering every one of us. The European Space Agency has been tasked with assessing the feasibility of launching an enormous facemask to cover the lower half of the red planet and is expected to deliver a report not later than 2027. Until then, people are advised not to look at the night sky without first putting facemasks over their telescopes and binoculars and washing their instruments for at least 20 minutes both before and after stargazing.
Yesterday in Boulder, Colorado, an unnamed man walked into a restaurant with an AR-15 and opened fire on diners. The shooting spree was only stopped when Mr Darren Gardner, a part-time security guard at the nearby shopping mall, tackled the gunman and restrained him on the ground. Police arrived on the scene shortly afterward and arrested Mr Gardner, who has now been fined $5,000 for failing to observe social distancing requirements.
Today the World Health Organization warned that developing natural immunity to SARS-CoV2 through stimulation of antibodies may perhaps not guarantee total everlasting immunity to SARS-CoV2. The WHO went on to stress the importance of developing a covid-19 vaccine, which will work by stimulate antibodies to SARS-CoV2 and thus provide immunity to the virus.
In the UK, politicians strongly criticized plans to re-open homeless shelters this winter, arguing that it is far safer to let thousands die of cold than to risk transmission of the coronavirus by people who cannot be relied on to maintain social distancing when crammed together in shelters. It is estimated that by allowing 15,000 homeless people to die of cold, as many as 27 lives could be saved from infection by covid-19.
And that’s it for now, but don’t be alarmed: in less than 30 seconds a media organization near you will be providing you with your constant stream of fear-inducing reportage in order to generate ad revenues to boost their profit margins. The one thing you need never worry about is cessation of the constant barrage of fear-inducing messages.
Because constant overwhelming anxiety is now your friend for life.
Whatever’s left of it.