Although Tesla is a very minor player in the automobile industry and has no credible path to profitability (selling carbon offset credits isn't a strategy), we can only be amused by the legion of fanboys who imagine Tesla to be significant in any way. So now we have the illusion of a Tesla phone. Coming next: Tesla bread-making machines will revolutionize the way we make sandwiches! Yes, these blockchain-enabled electric bread makers will be in every kitchen in the universe, helping us all to make eco-bread, every single one embossed with the face of Elon Musk.

But of course Tesla won't stop there. Musk is, after all, a "visionary." So let's hear an excited fanboy squeal for the Tesla Toilet Roll! Yes, folks, this clever e-Roll (again, powered by trendy blockchain) will deliver precisely-cut squares of ePaper to your derrier, saving you the tremendous labor of having to prepare and use the paper yourself. Best of all, being truly green, Musk says that when Tesla's stock nose-dives, the ePaper will be made from Tesla share certificates, thus ensuring 100% eco-friendly recycling.