Blockchain To De-Trigger MicroAggressions For Intersectional Personal Growth
How our ancient delight in bashing things with rocks is still with us today
One of the endlessly pleasing realities about the human brain is the fact it’s evolved to avoid thinking wherever possible. As our ancestors lived in a world of scarce and uncertain calories, and as thinking burns a great many precious calories that would generally be needed to power muscles instead, not thinking turned out to be a major survival strategy. And so here we are today: a species that resolutely avoids thinking wherever possible.
Half a million years ago (give or take a few months) our ancestors discovered that hitting things with rocks was sometimes a very smart & stable genius thing to do. This way one could kill small animals, break open bones to access their nutritious marrow, and (if the stones were the right sort) generate sparks to start a fire. So rocks became the thing to have, the ultimate stylish accessory for the most up-to-date primate on the planet.
Not surprisingly, our ancestors used rocks for everything. Stub your toe? Slam it with a rock! Have a toothache? Rock to the jaw! Annoyingly persistent erection? Yup, you’ve got it! And of course parenting was so much easier back then too, which is perhaps why for hundreds of thousands of years there were so few adult humans.
No doubt back then a proto-Jobs would be marketing an expensive version of quite ordinary rock under the iRock brand to credulous proto-humans, and a proto-Musk would be regaling his equally gullible followers at night by pointing to the red dot in the sky and explaining why one day everyone would want to live on this inhospitable place: because it has lots and lots of rocks!
Today we’re far too sophisticated to go around bashing everything we see with a rock. Instead, we use word-rocks. For a waddling dull-eyed Trump supporter, the only major intellectual hurdle to surmount is to learn how to chant “fake news!” all the time. Once this difficult task has been mastered, the world is theirs to abuse to their fat-clogged hearts’ content. With the word-rock of “fake news” they can bash away at reality all day.
For pointy-head liberals with slightly higher IQ scores the word-rocks are of course concomitantly more sophisticated. Such folk can scorn low-IQ Trumpies with their infantile chants because, being more enlightened, liberals have better word-rocks. Furthermore, liberals keep their brains sharper because their word-rocks keep changing with alarming rapidity.
It’s no good learning to say things like “triggered” and “safe spaces” and “intersectional-patriarchal unwoke microaggressions” and then resting on one’s laurels. Before we know it, all our super-enlightened friends will be laughing at us (in a properly gender-fluid non-triggering non-microaggressive way, of course) because we’re so yesterday afternoon at 2.27pm.
The problem for liberals is no matter how assiduously they gather new word-rocks, they can never feel as satisfied as Trumpies. To understand why, let’s return to our distant ancestors for a moment. Imagine we’ve picked up a rock. It feels large enough, not too big and not too small. It’s sufficiently smooth in places that we don’t hurt our hands when we slam it into something. Over time we become used to its unique shape, its texture, and its hardness. We adapt our grip until primate hand and inert rock seem to work together in one harmonious whole. It’s our rock. It becomes a comfort, a source of unchanging reassurance in a difficult and dangerous world.
As we return to the present we see that Trumpies with their long-lasting word-rocks must inevitably feel more content than liberals doomed forever to attempt to keep up with the flow of new word-rocks lest they betray their latent-gender-biased non-wokeness by using a phrase that has fallen from favor within the last fifteen minutes. Forced perpetually to be picking up new word-rocks and then abandoning them before they can become deeply familiar, liberals live in a world of uncomfortable constant change.
Yes, the word-rocks are a defense against feeling overwhelmed by this very same change, but it’s a Catch-22: don’t use the new word-rocks and you’ll feel uncomfortable; use the new word-rocks and you’ll feel uncomfortable.
One can’t help but feel sorry for liberals. All the Trumpies have to do is master a single word-rock and then they can squat for the rest of their lives, stroking it happily, muttering my precious over and over and over again until they have a stroke, a heart attack, or die of complications resulting from Type II diabetes.
Which will probably be next Thursday around 11.23 am.
The worst predicament of all is found in those who are both liberal and denizens of the tech scene. Technology doesn’t change quite as quickly as the affectations of leading-edge linguistic influencers, but it’s pretty damned close. Yesterday we were all having little mental orgasms over Internet 2.0 (or 3.0, or 3.781, or whatever) but for the last couple of years we’ve all had to chant blockchain, blockchain in response to anything and everything.
Worried about the atrocious inadequacy of US healthcare? Blockchain! Concerned about voter fraud? Blockchain! Anxious that your Uber stock will plummet as people eventually realize there’s no viable business model anywhere in sight? Blockchain!
Inevitably, as the current tech-trend du jour, blockchain will be pressed into service to ensure that we’re kept perpetually up-to-date with the latest word-rocks and so we’ll have Blockchain-Enabled-Political-Correctness consuming terabytes on our personal computing devices. Let’s hope the word personal isn’t too exclusivist because it could be taken to imply that non-biological intelligences can’t have personal identities in a properly gender-fluid non-microaggressive intersectional safe-space sharing-economy positive kind of way.
Furthermore it’s obvious that blockchain must be run on quantum computers, as traditional computers are far too binary to be suitable platforms for such progressive technology.
Of course, one could argue that the whole concept of using word-rocks is defective. One could argue that treating complex real-world phenomena as simply objects to be bashed with word-rocks is to make a fundamental cognitive error. One could even suggest that actually trying to think about things carefully before adopting a position would perhaps lead to more constructive outcomes.
Naturally this is a position no sane observer of the human condition would ever put forward with any degree of seriousness. To do so would assuredly result in the proponent being hit by word-rocks from both sides, as Trumpies and liberals alike sought to assert the dominance of our primary mode of interacting with reality.
Remember: if we can see it, we can hit it.
There’s nothing more satisfying than pounding away with a nice solid rock.