Boris Defends Parliamentary Democracy By Crushing It

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“I plan to destroy the UK regardless of Parliament, regardless of the law, because that’s the smart and stable genius thing to do. I know, because Trump told me so.”

Boris Johnson, formerly Court Jester to the British Conservative Party and now its Prime Rib, said today that while he fully intends to respect the law that compels him to ask for an extension for the UK to remain within the European Union until a mutually acceptable exit can be agreed by all concerned, he also fully intends to ignore that law and force the UK out of the EU on 31st October anyway.

Johnson, the unelected Prime Rib who owes his position entirely to a tiny number of extremely ignorant and racist geriatrics, declared that by ignoring Parliament and the tens of millions of people who voted for their Members of Parliament he was thereby restoring sovereignty to Parliament and respecting the will of the people.

Sources close to the Prime Rib say that he arrived at this strategy after talking to Donut Turnip, known to many as POTUS (Pustule of the United States). Turnip advised Johnson to “F*ck the law” on the grounds that the exceedingly stupid people who’ve backed him so far will continue to back him him no matter how blatantly he violates every former norm of government and every norm of basic human behavior. According to the Pustule, “Who gives a sh*t about details anyhow? Everybody knows you can do whatever you want when you’re a winner. Cause I say so.”

Downing Street sources also say that the Pustule offered Johnson a supply of Sharpie pens so he could draw his own genius stable cunning plan charts whenever he needs to.

Johnson was seen at lunchtime drinking his usual six bottles of wine and consuming vast amounts of caviar while dictating notes to every Old Etonian presently serving in Britain’s judiciary. According to the Oxford English Dictionary, the phrase “completely legal” means: If one is an Old Etonian one may do whatever one wishes because all the other Old Etonians who are presently High Court judges will compliantly agree that one’s wishes are in fact the law regardless of whatsoever statutes or legislation may say to the contrary.

The United Kingdom is therefore expected to crash out of the European Union and into the deepest self-harm project in history as scheduled on October 31st 2019. This single handed act of destruction will of course be entirely democratic and legal because Boris is an Old Etonian. It is a foregone conclusion that the extremely stupid people who support Brexit will think this is all very clever indeed.

Meanwhile, in other news, Nigel Farage of the recently-formed ultra-right-wing Brexit Party was reported to be practicing extending his right arm as a salute and requiring all Party members to shout Seig Heil, as he prepares for a central role in government following the next General Election.

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