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Boris Johnson Explains Why Scotland Should Not Leave The United Kingdom
A transcript of his recent address to the nation
Right-oh, just time to ruffle my hair for that famous Boris look. Now let’s see, um, er, is this where I put my clown face on and mug for the cameras? Oh, no, wait! I’m Prime Minister now! Silly me. Time for me to put my constipated face on, where I look absolutely just like Winston Churchill. Serious. A Man of Destiny. A man who knows what he’s doing.
Where did I put my phone? Oh, never mind. Dommy Cummings can always get me a new one. I mean, everyone always loses everything they’re given, don’t they? That’s what makes me such a good Man of the People. That’s why they love me, all those little people out there with empty heads we can cram full of the most appalling nonsense.
Now let me see, are the microphones on yet? No? Thank goodness for that! Although, let’s be honest, the empty-heads are so atrociously stupid they wouldn’t even realize I was talking about them! That’s such a jolly joke, isn’t it? Reminds me of Oxford, when I’d wake up covered in my own vomit and I’d try to convince my scout it was really a special face cream to keep me looking young. Oh, what laughs back then!
I greatly appreciate stupid ignorant people, honestly I do. Look at the benefits…
