Baldrick Johnson Checks to Affirm Silly Hair Still In Place

Baldrick Johnson, the UK’s most spectacularly stupid and disorganized Prime Minister since the position was invented in the eighteenth century, yesterday lost his slender grip on the Brexit process. Johnson had many years earlier, of course, entirely lost his slender grip on reality.

Sources close to Johnson say he can’t understand where he went wrong. Quoting Johnson, these sources reveal a man utterly unable to comprehend anything at all: “I don’t get it! I had a Cunning Plan! I did everything Trump did: I told infantile lies to the simple-minded, I filled my Cabinet with third-rate dullards and incompetents, I undermined every remaining norm in our democracy, my Party is nothing more than a craven group of lickspittles, and I refused to accept reality in any way. And yet despite all this I lost the vote yesterday. I just don’t understand.”

From the USA Donald Trump was quick to tweet his opinion of why Johnson failed:

#realdonutturmp: Dumb Prime Spare rib, didn’t hav the merchandize!!! No red baseball cap, no t-shirts, no win! I’m a winner, hes a loser. Couldn’t close the deel, not like me. I close the best deelz. I’m the gratest winner!!!

The (dis)United Kingdom will now lurch into yet another political crisis as the Party of Stupid (aka everyone supporting Brexit) does further battle with the beleaguered Party of Not-So-Stupid (aka everyone opposing Brexit) in a contest where the rules are unwritten, previous norms of behavior utterly ignored, and consequences firmly denied by the former while not entirely understood by the latter.

While many are now speculating on the possible future of Baldrick Johnson and his Sack of Cunning Plans, one thing is certain: he will learn nothing whatsoever from this experience and will continue to bluster, lie, grin stupidly for the camera, and continue to believe that he’s the Greatest Prime Rib in British history.

NOTE: for American readers unfamiliar with the connotations surrounding name Baldrick, recourse to the British TV Series Blackadder II, Blackadder III, and Blackadder Goes Forth will reveal all.

Anyone who enjoys my articles here on Medium may be interested in my books Why Democracy Failed and The Praying Ape, both available from Amazon.

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