Boris Trump Gives An Interview
“Look here, before we, ah, commence or incipere as it were, I want to make one thing perfectly clear, which is I don’t appreciate you calling me Boris Trump. That awful American got elected by telling infantile lies to American simple-minded ignorant racists about going back to the 1950s. I, on the other hand, got elected by telling totally different infantile lies to British simple-minded ignorant racists about going back to the 1940s. All the difference in the world. Also I’d prefer if you just call me Winston, or Dear Winston if you prefer.
Right, ah, now where were we?
Oh yes, our magnificent Spirit of the Blitz, our stupendous battle against the coronavirus. As you know, we’ve had a lot of very successful policies including not locking down, locking down, encouraging people to eat out, telling people not to eat out, opening up and locking down again, and driving more than 100,000 small businesses into bankruptcy. If you can think of a better way to handle this life-or-(political)-death crisis then frankly I don’t want to hear about it. Remember, during the Blitz we only had the Germans trying to destroy our economy and crush the spirit of our people. Today it’s us, the British government itself, that’s doing an absolutely superb job of destroying our economy and crushing the spirit of our people. Just goes to show what we’re capable of when we put our minds to it.
As everyone knows, Britain has, um, the greatest health system in the entire universe, including the parts we can’t see. The National Health System is the pride of the nation and that is why it is so very important for people to avoid using it, otherwise our brave doctors and nurses will be overwhelmed. Especially as so many foreign-born doctors and nurses upon whom the NHS depended have left the country due to Brexit exposing the deep and wholesome seam of racism and xenophobia that is part of what makes this country so great. Hence our brilliant new slogan Protect The NHS: Die At Home!
I am also very proud to say that our doctors have responded to the challenge in good old British tradition. Now I admit we, ah, had a bit of a setback in the summer when the medical profession realized putting covid patients into coma and shoving them onto ventilators was the best possible way to kill around 80% of them. Quite irresponsibly, doctors briefly paused and opted for O2 nasal clips instead. But I took quick and decisive action and made it very clear that doctors had to get patients back onto those expensive machines that really must be properly utilized in order to meet expensive machine utilization targets.
I’m delighted to say as a result we’re meeting our fatality targets once again, to ensure that the astronomical projections of covid deaths created by our expert on his Excel spreadsheet after a hard night’s drinking don’t end up looking absurdly unrealistic and causing us to look rather silly.
As a result of our firm action, on a per capita basis the United Kingdom is rapidly climbing the jolly old coronavirus fatality league table and has nearly caught up with Belgium. Once again our plucky little nation is punching above its weight, ensuring that more people per hundred thousand die of covid-19 than nearly anywhere else in the world. And this is an achievement of which I think we can all justly be proud. Nos autem populus superbus est, Britannico!
Speaking of national pride, I hope you noticed our clever little ruse the other day when we pretended the EU was trying to steal our supplies of vaccine! Generated some rather good headlines, I thought, and just the thing to distract attention from what a total cockup Brexit is. I mean, glorious success, taking back control, and all that utter bollocks we fed to the morons in order to get their votes.
Bit of a shame we ended up pushing the EU into a corner when we said we’d stop them getting the vaccines they’d bought because, well, dammit, those ones are made in Britain! Totally different from us relying on vaccines made in Belgium!
That’s the problem with the EU: they keep insisting rules should apply the same to everyone. But the fact is we British are special and we can make up our own rules to suit ourselves anytime we like and Johnny Foreigner should just accept the fact instead of whining and refusing to let us have all the sweeties in the jar.
Anyhow, my government is very used to getting itself deep into the brown smelly stuff and none of my tremendous cockups in the past have hurt my polling numbers in the slightest, so that’s all right. The main thing is that we got to combine our favorite two themes of anti-EU bigotry and lies with our coronavirus lies and misinformation. I’m particularly fond of our latest effort, which is Act As If You’ve Got Covid! Nothing like making everyone terrified of everyone else to ensure a harmonious and sensible reaction to what is apparently an extremely minor threat. Though I didn’t say that and I’ll sue if you pretend I did.
What else? Well, I’m, ah, working on my next stage of the government’s information plan, which is to encourage people to shout at everyone they see and call them Covid Deniers! The idea is simple: if you’re not dead then you’re failing to do your patriotic duty. I mean, somebody told me a few days ago when I was hardly any way through my fifth bottle of breakfast Bollinger, that less than two-tenths of one percent of the population has died from coronavirus. That is, frankly, the sort of shocking under-achievement that crippled this country for too long under various Labour governments. The Conservative Party is dedicated to doing much better — in fact we’re hoping to get as high as three-tenths of one percent provided those ventilators don’t break down. We believe in managing the NHS by setting tough but attainable targets. Fortunately the ventilators weren’t manufactured in Britain so they’re quite reliable. German, I think.
By the way, do you think yellow armbands or black armbands would be better? I’m going to force everyone who’s not had a jab to wear them in public so other people can spit at them. All part of making sure we face this terrible threat together and united. The threat being, of course, that people will wake up to what a complete arse I am and I’ll lose the next General Election.
Would you like a picture now? I’m pulling off rather an, ah, excellent balancing act between the tousle-haired lovable Boris of old and the new, serious, just-call-me-Winston Boris of today. Either way, the Bollinger flows like water down my Prime Ministerial throat. Jolly good fizz, you should try it — but not mine. Get your own.
Let’s see, where are we now? Oh yes! Targets! This government believes firmly in measuring things, otherwise how can we talk about how well we’re doing? Just look at these figures: suicides are up, unemployment is skyrocketing, more people are dying of untreated cancer than since before the NHS was created, and thousands more are dying because we canceled their kidney, heart, and other essential operations in order to keep beds available for covid patients. This all shows how very seriously we’re taking the threat (of losing votes) posed by the coronavirus and will stop at nothing to preserve if not lives then certainly as much of our Parliamentary majority as possible.
Before we finish I want to say how proud I am of how inclusive my government is. The Conservative Party stands for equal opportunity for all, regardless of background. I am in fact the least prejudiced person you’ll ever meet. Salvis est Boris, and all that. It doesn’t matter to me what school a chap went to: Eton, Harrow, Westminster, even Rugby; we accept all sorts in the Tory Party. And I’m even willing to accept people who went to Cambridge instead of Oxford. A man can’t possibly be more open-minded than that!
Right, are we done here? I’ve got two secretaries to shag before I finish this bottle of Bolly and then it’s onto my pre-lunch bottle to get ready for a frightfully important speech I have to make to the Young Nurses Society before lunch. Got to keep up the jolly old Boris pecker during these difficult times, you know!”