Burn The Witch!
There are a few Irresponsible Citizens who are Wicked enough to deny the very Real and very Grave Threat of Witchcraft even as its Evil and Horrific Consequences are amply Documented every day.
Fortunately the Great Mass of People are Wise enough to believe what they read in the News Leaflets, Broadsheets, and Posters: Witchcraft is Real. Therefore we know that Witchcraft is the most Grave and Serious Threat we have ever faced.
All across the Face of this good Earth, people are succumbing to Spells, Incantations, Curses, and Imprecations uttered by Witches. Our Experts, drawn from the ranks of the noble Army Of Witchfinders, have prepared Documents that show how, unless we extirpate Witches by the most necessary Measures, everyone on this goodly Earth will be struck down by Curses before the year is out.
Governments around the Globe, advised by Members of the Army Of Witchfinders and encouraged by Popular Hysteria, are implementing Measures that will surely keep us all Safe. These Measures are Carefully Considered, entirely Scientific, and will surely be most Efficacious.
Because the Army Of Witchfinders are telling us this is True, and therefore it must assuredly be True. Because it is their Job to Find Witches.
Wicked and Blasphemous are those who, in their misguided Folly, would have us agree that mere Facts and the Application of Reason should reveal that Witchery is nothing more than a Popular Delusion and that the souls of the Possessed are in fact suffering from Mental Unfitness. Such blasphemers must be cast in the Eternal Flames of Fiery Hell for their temerity!
All right-thinking people know that Facts and Reason are mere shabby imposters, which is why they are forever Banished from the Noble Realm of Human Affairs.
Belief alone is our only True and Unerring Guide.
In order to minimize our Probability of being Struck by an Invisible Curse, we must retreat into our Homes and barricade our Doors. We must seal all Gaps through which Imprecations and Spells may pass unseen, and we must light candles so that we are not Prey to the Forces Of Darkness.
In order to ward off Evil Spells we must Abjure all Human Contact, for even our closest Friends and Neighbors may unwittingly be Mechanisms through means of which such Evil is spread among us.
We must insist that everyone Covers themselves in Plastic Bags, into which one single Eye-Hole may be Cut in order to permit Navigation within one’s dwelling. This protective Covering is known to ward off the Evil Eye. The Truth of Science as revealed to us by the Army of Witchfinders tells us that Curses may not enter though a Single Hole but that they may Penetrate Readily though More than one Hole.
Should anyone be seen Abroad without such Protective Covering they shall be declared a Friend Of Witchcraft and Persecuted Without Limit.
Our Police Forces shall be relieved of Responsibility for preventing and detecting Crimes and henceforth shall be Tasked exclusively with going into people’s Homes with the intention of Verifying Compliance with the black plastic bag Directive. Should anyone be Found without aforesaid black plastic bag covering their Entirety they shall be Taken to the Public Stocks and Imprisoned therein for a Period of twenty-nine days, seven hours, and thirty-two minutes. Being entirely without Water, Food, and Shelter during this time they shall be Purged of their Wrongdoing and thus rendered Safe by Means of such Castigation.
In order to spare citizens Hardship from the cessation of all Normal Comforts such as food, water, light, and shelter, Governments everywhere are implementing Measured And Decidedly Necessary Emergency Sustenance Support.
Such Measures shall be taken to Ensure, sometime in 2023 or by 2027 at the Absolute Latest, deliveries of Food and Water to Needy Citizens, many of whom are by pure coincidence Close Friends of Those in Government.
Any Wicked and Shameful citizen found attempting to secure their own Provisions of such Goods shall have said Goods removed by Force and a large Unhappy Face emoticon shall be Painted upon their Front Door. Should the citizen in question not actually have a Residence, they shall have the Unhappy Face emoticon painted on their Torso.
By this Mark Of Great Shame shall others Know them.
There are some very Wicked and very Ignorant people among us who claim that Facts and Figures do not in any way support our present Fear. These Shameful and Irredeemably Bad individuals pretend that merely because no real-world Evidence supports our Panic-Induced Measures, we should abandon them because of the very Great and very Evident Harms they cause.
To which we say: Absurd!
There is no possible Harm greater than the Harm caused by the Evils of Witchcraft. Even if we must Kill every single Citizen on the face of this goodly Earth in order to Save them from being Struck Down by Curses, we know these Actions will be Good and Just and Proportional. Rest assured: we will not hesitate to take such Measures if the plague of Witchcraft continues to Terrify our Societies and cause Great Panic among all those who avidly read and listen attentively to the Printed and Spoken Words of News.
We thus end with an Uplifting and Encouraging Message to all Those over whom we have Authority:
We shall Exterminate the Curse Of Witchcraft.
We will Protect You and Keep You Safe.
Even if we must Destroy Every One of you in Order To Do So.