Clickbait Your Way To Success
How each one of us can ensure we get our fair share of Internet fame & fortune.
In a world of eight-second attention spans and 7/24 sensationalism, how can we grab our fair share of eyeballs and monetize our online presence as we truly deserve?
By using the Power of Clickbait, that’s how!
To get you started I’m going to provide some handy examples to show how it’s done. After reading through this sure-fire can’t-miss list, you’ll (i) be ready to create your own fabulous clickbait, and/or (ii) be having a nervous breakdown.
Either way, it’s all good: the viewing stats for people streaming their online mental collapses are fabulous!
Without further ado, let’s take a big handful of ibuprofen and dive into the wonderful world of clickbait.
Man With World’s Largest Penis Accidentally Suffocates While Self-Fellating!
Why Tesla Is Worth $500 Billion Even Though They Only Made 6 Cars This Year!
Use Blockchain To Turbocharge Your Sex Life And Restore Scalp Hair!
After Seventeen Years of Marriage, Woman Admits to Husband: “It Wasn’t Actually Your Fault.”
Psychologists Baffled by Discovery of Sole Republican Politician Who’s Not A Self-Hating Closet Homosexual!
Sixty Years On, Donald Trump Finally Finishes His Janet & John Coloring Book and Declares It Bets Evre Piktres In Wrold!
Democratic Party Contenders Suddenly Realize 2020 Election Won’t Be Won By Virtue-Signaling!
Evangelical Christian Leaders Describe Human Brain As “God’s Little Mistake.”
Humility Gospel Spreads Like Wildfire Among Hollywood A-Listers.
Cosmologists Identify British Queen as the Universe’s Smallest Black Hole: Money Falls In But Nothing Comes Back Out.
As you can see, all these examples have one thing in common: they speak to the deepest part of the human psyche. An unquenchable appetite for superficial trivial nonsense is the defining characteristic of homo sapiens.
This is why a Kardashian is worth thousands of times what we pay a neurosurgeon and millions of times what we pay a firefighter. This is why a Tourette’s-syndrome know-nothing rapper is worth millions of times more than what we pay someone to look after old people with dementia or to those who help starving and abused children in war-torn countries.
That’s why they say in the world of human psychology: forget species, get specious!
Now get out there and do your part to pollute other people’s brains with clickbait!
Write articles about how vaccines cause Alexa to play the wrong song!
Inform your readers about the importance of being vegan when traveling on Elon Musk’s new spaceship to colonize the Andromeda Galaxy!
Delight your audience by explaining how eating gold can alter our DNA and make us immortal spiritual beings!
The world is yours.
Abuse it profitably.
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