Member-only story
Confessions Of An Addict
Trigger warning: this is a satirical piece unsuitable for children of all ages
Hello. My name is Allan. I’m an exercise addict. I’ve been exercise-free for forty-six hours.
Thank you.
Exercise addiction is a terrible disease. When I was exercising every day I wasn’t able to appreciate the important things in life, like triple-bypass McSlop burgers and greasy fried chicken. When my friends were all guzzling vast quantities of Diabetes-Cola all I could drink was sparking water with a splash of freshly-squeezed lime juice.
My friends could talk for hours about TV shows and sports and streamed video must-watch hits and no end of celebrity gossip. They all knew the catch-phrases to repeat and the latest memes circulating on social media. All I could do was nod silently and pretend I understood what they were saying.
My exercise addiction was cutting me off from the people around me.
When they were talking about their blood pressure medication and their Ritalin and Adderall and Fentanyl I had to keep quiet lest they discover my multi-vitamins with minerals and my fish oil. When they were talking about all the normal bloating resulting from constipation, I had to remain silent in case they learned about my intake of daily fiber…
