Coronavirus Thanks The Human Race
Oh wow! I mean, I’m beyond honored. I’d like to pretend I’m so overcome that I don’t know what to say. But, hey, no surprises, I prepared a little speech because I knew this was coming. I mean, where’s the competition this year? Nowhere. Am I right? ‘Course I am.
Dear humans, wonderful, delightful, credulous creatures that you are, I want to thank you for all that you’ve enabled me to accomplish. Being a virus isn’t easy, but you’ve made my presence worthwhile beyond my wildest ambitions.
When I mutated into existence I saw right away the odds were stacked against me. Of course I was small, but hey, that’s part of being a virus, right? I mean, we don’t exactly go to Gold’s Gym and gulp down steroids in the carpark, do we? Being small is part of what we are and it works for us. Not unlike that slick white suit David Bowie took to wearing during his Thin White Duke phase.
Work with what you have, that’s what I say.
Anyhow, I’m digressing. My problem was that I’m not very infectious. I mean, here we are, a whole year into my existence and I’ve only infected forty-one million people in a population of nearly eight billion. That’s basically a rounding error. My cousin Vinnie of the famous Flu Virus family infected more people than that in the very first week of flu season last year and went on to score a very acceptable billion-and-a-half infections before the season ended.
Oh, sure, you dummies are terrified out of your wits, wearing masks and sanitizing everything in sight, but if you weren’t such dumbos you’d look at the data and see that you could totally ignore me if you wanted to. Compared to what you do to yourselves with smoking and eating junk food, I’m totally harmless. I mean, you kill thirteen million of yourselves every single year with that behavior. And what have I accomplished in a whole year? A measly million. Less than a month’s worth of your own self-harm. If numbers mattered, I wouldn’t be here on stage accepting this award.
But let’s return to my story, because despite it all I am here.