Coronavirus Thanks The Human Race
Transcript of the SARS-CoV2 Virus of the Year Awards acceptance speech
Oh wow! I mean, I’m beyond honored. I’d like to pretend I’m so overcome that I don’t know what to say. But, hey, no surprises, I prepared a little speech because I knew this was coming. I mean, where’s the competition this year? Nowhere. Am I right? ‘Course I am.
Dear humans, wonderful, delightful, credulous creatures that you are, I want to thank you for all that you’ve enabled me to accomplish. Being a virus isn’t easy, but you’ve made my presence worthwhile beyond my wildest ambitions.
When I mutated into existence I saw right away the odds were stacked against me. Of course I was small, but hey, that’s part of being a virus, right? I mean, we don’t exactly go to Gold’s Gym and gulp down steroids in the carpark, do we? Being small is part of what we are and it works for us. Not unlike that slick white suit David Bowie took to wearing during his Thin White Duke phase.
Work with what you have, that’s what I say.
Anyhow, I’m digressing. My problem was that I’m not very infectious. I mean, here we are, a whole year into my existence and I’ve only infected forty-one million people in a population of nearly eight billion. That’s basically a rounding error. My cousin…
