Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, a minor criminal temporarily residing in a taxpayer-funded London shelter for the morally bankrupt, was found guilty in the British High Court yesterday of breaking into a children’s home with the intent to steal its lunch money.
Johnson, who was arrested six times while attempting to break into the home over a period of five days, claimed his real purpose was to put money into the safe, though a careful search of Johnson and his possessions revealed him to be penniless.
Johnson offered no defense except to say that ordinary British people were “fed up” with the police preventing him from breaking into children’s homes in order to give them free money and that people should just let him get on with doing whatever he wants without trying to make his life more difficult.
After his conviction Johnson stated that the British Courts have no right to judge ordinary hard-working criminals like himself and that he regards their judgement and sentence to have been “quite wrong” and therefore he plans to ignore it and attempt once more to break into the children’s home at the earliest possible opportunity. He invited the police to assist him during his next attempt on the grounds that this would make life much easier for every single Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson in the country.