Cristobal Colombo Goes To Mars
How to respond to killjoys and Mars-haters who don’t see how important it is for humanity to colonize the galaxy
When it comes to the topic of humans whizzing into space just like we’ve all seen a million times in Sci-Fi movies and innumerable TV series, really clever people always compare going to Mars and elsewhere in the solar system to Columbus voyaging to the Americas. Really clever people know that going to Mars is pretty much identical to climbing aboard a wooden ship and sailing across the ocean. Because, hey, it says in Star Trek that humans are natural explorers with a desire to see what’s out there, right? To boldly go, and all that.
It is a teensie bit awkward when all of history and anthropology and archeology shows that throughout human history more than 99% of people have been born, lived, and died within a 5 kilometer radius, but that just goes to prove that deep down we’re all explorers really, at least in our minds and on TV.
But the key thing is that going to Mars is exactly the same as setting sail for America. It’s about adventure, exploration, and boldly going.
It really doesn’t matter that space is not 100% the same as sailing across an ocean. Sure, there’s no atmosphere in space, so without all those complex life-support systems, everyone dies. And yes, sure, there’s no gravity in space, so muscles and bones waste away. And OK, there’s no magnetic field shielding people from harmful solar radiation that shreds DNA and causes terrible cancers. But we’ve all seen Star Trek and none of these things bother the intrepid Starfleet personnel so we can basically just ignore them. It’s all over-hyped by losers who aren’t smart. I mean, nobody really knows what it’s like up there, do they? Nobody’s ever been to Mars before so obviously there will be no problems. Some people just want to over-complicate things because they’re spoil-sports with no vision whatsoever.
As we all know, a giant asteroid will soon smash into the Earth and destroy humanity unless we go to Mars and colonize the galaxy. Plus, we’ve pretty much screwed the Earth so it makes total sense to go to some barren planet that’s totally hostile to life and start all over again there. Smart people know this; dumb people talk about lethal radiation, low-gravity effects on human physiology, and the fact life is impossible without complex systems that if they break down will result in everyone dying. What a downer! Did Columbus worry about life support systems? No! Did Columbus worry about the effects of low gravity? No! As for all that radiation that’s supposed to be out there, I ask you: have you ever actually seen it? No! Those sailors with Columbus, they had to put up with seagull shit and that’s a million times worse than so-called solar radiation. If Columbus could deal with seagull shit, it’s obvious that people going to Mars won’t have any problems with invisible radiation nobody’s even seen.
And Columbus going to the Americas worked out perfectly, so obviously going to Mars will work out perfectly too.
Next up, some stupid people say that going to Mars will cost hundreds of billions of dollars and because there’s no value to be extracted from Mars this will make colonies there unsustainable. But that’s just dumb. Columbus went to the Americas because, well, yes, maybe a tiny bit because Ferdinand and Isabella thought it was a short route to India (which is why we call indigenous Americans “Indians”) and that they’d make many boat-loads of cash from the spice trade, but really it was because people are natural explorers and adventurers and Columbus was worried about an asteroid slamming into the Iberian peninsula and wiping out all life so it was essential to colonize the New World to ensure the continuation of the human race. Plus maybe also he was hoping for a light saber.
Stupid people say that breathing air in the Americas was just the same as breathing air in Europe, and that there was soil and plants and stuff in the Americas just like there was soil and plants and stuff in Europe and that gravity was the same in the Americas like it was in Europe and that Mars doesn’t have any of those things but that’s just dumb. Smart people know that Mars is exactly like the USA, except everyone will be driving Teslas because Ford and GM and Toyota don’t have manufacturing plants on Mars because those dumb old companies don’t have electric vehicles because they’re not smart like Elon Musk.
If stupid people say we shouldn’t go to Mars because of all the expense and danger and the fact Mars is a dead barren planet bombarded by lethal radiation then duh, it’s just the same as saying Columbus shouldn’t have gone and discovered the USA! So obviously we have to go to Mars because otherwise we wouldn’t have Baskin-Robbins and 31 flavors of ice-cream. Stupid people just can’t see the Big Picture like smart people can. When we all go to Mars we’ll get to wear great uniforms and have communicators on our chests and light sabers. Who doesn’t want a light saber? Only stupid people!
Besides, Elon Musk is a genius and everything he says is really super-smart! If the Mars haters are so smart, how come they aren’t as rich as Elon, huh? Stupid people say Einstein was a genius but aside from that crappy bagel company what did he ever do? Did Einstein ever get rich? Did Einstein ever buy an electric car company? Did Einstein invest in Bitcoin? All this proves Einstein wasn’t such a genius after all.
I bet you’re pretty impressed with how smart I am, right? There’s a million other reasons we have to go to Mars. For example, if Columbus hadn’t gone to America then Lincoln couldn’t have freed the slaves! See how it all fits together? America is the greatest country on Earth, so when we go to Mars then America can be the greatest country on Mars too! And because everyone will have Bitcoin, everyone will be a multi-trillionaire, which will be great because then we can buy all the stuff we want.
And when the asteroid comes and wipes out all life on Earth, the people on Mars will be just fine because they’ll have their own civilization and they can watch it all on Mars TV while they’re driving around in their Teslas and eating their Martian ice-cream. Boy, will those so-called smart people Earth people feel really dumb then! And it’s not like the people on Mars will need anything from Earth, like equipment and supplies and all that stuff. Columbus didn’t need parts for complicated life-support systems so Mars people won’t need them either! See how easy things are when you just think about stuff clearly? Besides, if they make their spaceships out of wood then they can use the wood to make houses when they get to Mars, and maybe if they have any wood left over they can make picket fences for their gardens.
This is why people will definitely make colonies on Mars before heading out to other planets somewhere else in the galaxy or universe or Jupiter or whatever comes after Mars.
Because we’re totally super smart.