Dear Hazel,

I herewith submit my application for the role of Dad (aka “father” and aka “you asshole” depending on your mood).

I have extensive experience as a Chief Parenting Officer, having begun at age five by attempting to parent my mother (at her request). Throughout my childhood I looked after others, earning the sobriquet “Uncle Allan.” Later I was promoted to Genuine Father upon the birth of my son and subsequently my daughter, who together provided me with 23 years of hands-on operating experience.

While I’m certified in a variety of parenting methodologies, I find Agile is the one I use most frequently and especially when I’m trying to dodge items of food being thrown at me by petulant minors. I can however utilize a traditional Waterfall methodology when tears are required before bedtime.

My son will provide testimony that I am a diligent, loving, and supportive father-figure. Should this not be what you have in mind, my daughter will provide testimony that I’m a self-righteous, irritating, and non-TV-friendly poopy stinky jerkface.

So as you see, I can cover pretty much all the bases.

Moreover, I can also offer you a unique opportunity for life-changing social advancement. As my financial situation after three divorces and putting both my children through university is somewhat precarious, I’m currently applying to be adopted by a Mrs Elizabeth Windsor (II), care of Buckingham Palace, England. Should my application be successful, you would be able to benefit from my newly-ennobled state and instantly become a junior member of the British Royal Family.

Which, admittedly, isn’t quite as much of an attraction as it might be, and that’s why I’m also willing to throw in a used rubber paddling-pool in the shape of a pirate galleon and a collection of Tintin videos (in the original French).

…I hope you have a Betamax machine…

Frankly, I don’t think you’re going to receive a sweeter offer than this, and I look forward to hearing back from you just as soon as you stop crying from despair.

Anyone who enjoys my articles here on Medium may be interested in my books Why Democracy Failed and The Praying Ape, both available from Amazon.

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