I herewith submit my application for the role of Dad (aka “father” and aka “you asshole” depending on your mood).
I have extensive experience as a Chief Parenting Officer, having begun at age five by attempting to parent my mother (at her request). Throughout my childhood I looked after others, earning the sobriquet “Uncle Allan.” Later I was promoted to Genuine Father upon the birth of my son and subsequently my daughter, who together provided me with 23 years of hands-on operating experience.
While I’m certified in a variety of parenting methodologies, I find Agile is the one I use most frequently and especially when I’m trying to dodge items of food being thrown at me by petulant minors. I can however utilize a traditional Waterfall methodology when tears are required before bedtime.
My son will provide testimony that I am a diligent, loving, and supportive father-figure. Should this not be what you have in mind, my daughter will provide testimony that I’m a self-righteous, irritating, and non-TV-friendly poopy stinky jerkface.
So as you see, I can cover pretty much all the bases.
Moreover, I can also offer you a unique opportunity for life-changing social advancement. As my financial situation after three divorces and putting both my children through university is somewhat precarious, I’m currently applying to be adopted by a Mrs Elizabeth Windsor (II), care of Buckingham Palace, England. Should my application be successful, you would be able to benefit from my newly-ennobled state and instantly become a junior member of the British Royal Family.
Which, admittedly, isn’t quite as much of an attraction as it might be, and that’s why I’m also willing to throw in a used rubber paddling-pool in the shape of a pirate galleon and a collection of Tintin videos (in the original French).
…I hope you have a Betamax machine…
Frankly, I don’t think you’re going to receive a sweeter offer than this, and I look forward to hearing back from you just as soon as you stop crying from despair.