Democracy Airlines
It’s the best airline that’s ever been invented and we will all love it forever
“Good morning and welcome to Democracy Airlines! It’s great to see you all here! Once you’ve all stopped fighting about where to put your baggage, we can get started.”
“Our pre-flight entertainment is our traditional Vote To Elect the Pilot. Even though none of you understands the tiniest thing about aviation, this is your chance to choose who’s going to fly this aircraft! Isn’t that exciting?”
“We’ve got a wonderful group of contestants who all want your vote, and they’re going to introduce themselves to you now.”
“Hi, I’m Karen Gunslinger. It’s vital we keep this airplane far from those dangerous lib’rul cities where socialists want to take away our guns and eat Jesus wrapped in a taco. My daddy didn’t leave me thirty-seven million dollars just so some Hispanic pool boy could get an education I’m paying for through illegal taxation that’s wasted on welfare queens. So vote for me because you know I’m right.”
“Hi there, folks. I’m Joe Appleseed and I know every single one of us wants the best for this wonderful aircraft we’re all in, even those of you toward the back who’re chewing the carpet and the two off-duty cops who’ve just killed that poor, poor man in seat 37C. Maybe y’all can settle down now and listen to me for a minute or two? I know we can all come together as fellow-passengers and agree on a flight plan that will get most of us somewhere near a city we may be OK landing at, and I want to promise you if I’m voted into the left seat I’ll do my best to steer this majestic flying machine through the air while keeping my eye on the fuel gauge and making sure we don’t accidentally kill any poor innocent birds that are sharing our airspace with us.”
“What a bunch of losers! I’m the best pilot, the greatest pilot, everybody says so, nobody knows it but me, we gotta keep those lib’ruls away from our unborn babies and I’m gonna sue everyone who tries to stop me and, hey, I did the best Junior High talent show, I was the winner, they should never’ve given that other kid the prize, everyone’s always against me, it’s so unfair, nobody’s been treated so unfair as me, but I’m gonna make this plane great again, it’s gonna be the greatest airplane anyone’s ever seen, those lib’rul cities will pay for it, we’ll fly higher than any airplane’s ever flown in the history of history, it’s gonna be the bestest biggliest plane ever, we’re all going to fly to the best ever place in the universe, you know it’s true, even if they don’t want you to know about it, and I’m a genius and that tiny loan of ten billion dollars I got from my daddy doesn’t count except I’ll give you some of it if you vote for me, really, it’s gonna be the best vote, I’m amazing, the best pilot ever, you know it’s true ’cause I’m saying it.”
“It’s difficult for me to introduce myself because I don’t know what pronouns you’d all prefer and I don’t want to trigger anyone by accidentally committing a micro-aggression against anyone who self-identifies in a way I don’t properly account for, so I’m going to start by asking for your forgiveness if I without any ill-intent fail to designate you in the manner you deserve. If you elect me as your pilot I’ll do my very best to ensure all my in-flight announcements are as respectful and all-inclusive as they should be, and focus especially on passengers whose interests have historically been under-represented by previous in-flight announcements. Thank you.”
“Uh, hi. I’m James and I’m actually a qualified commercial pilot with over 2,700 hours experience on this airframe and… what? I should shut the fuck up? Oh, OK. Sorry.”
“Hey everybody! Good news! Pastor Boyfriendly here! Put me into the right seat — and I mean the Right seat — and you’ll be doing right by Jesus! If you look out the windows you’ll see this ol’ airplane’s loaded up with the latest missiles and smart munitions and we’re gonna fly right over them lib’rul cities and punish them for their godless baby-eating. And you know what? They don’t even got no guns to shoot back at us with! Gonna be like blasting turkeys on my grandpaw’s farm back in Stinking Swamp, Louisiana. I know you wanna do right by the Lord, so vote for me as your co-pilot. And don’t you pay no mind to those lies about me and them two small boys in that motel room. Not a word of truth in them ally-gations. Not One Word. Amen.”
“Yes, hello, hi there, it’s me, Barbara Microchip, I run a major tech company and so I can easily fly an airplane. I mean, it’s just a hack, right? So I want to appeal to all the thoughtful people onboard (well, maybe more than just the both of you, actually) because as an ordinary simple female billionaire I think it’s important that I show the glass ceiling — or in our case the flight ceiling — can be broken and I can serve as an inspiration to the generations of proto-women who will follow in my footsteps.”
“Hello. I’m Sally Mortgage and I want to know why we’ve spent so much on putting guns and bombs on this plane when we could have spent something on seats. Sure, the eight people in First Class have those fancy comfortable lay-flat pods, but the rest of us are standing or sitting on old orange-crates. In the most expensive aircraft imaginable! Is this fair, I ask you? Is this how we want to live? If you elect me as your pilot I’ll seriously think about maybe possibly doing something about this terrible injustice one day.”
“All right! Now you’ve heard from all our fantastic candidates and it’s time for you all to vote! Isn’t this exciting?
Remember: just because neither you nor they know the first thing about flying an aircraft, maximum takeoff weight, fuel consumption versus range, or any other fact germane to us taking off, flying, and landing safely, nor about navigation, your vote counts! So vote for the person you’d like to see operating the controls of this amazingly complex but actually quite fragile machine and soon we’ll be taking off into the clear blue skies.”
“And hey, what could possibly go wrong?”
