Eat Your Neigbor!
Why the next big thing in the world of entertainment will be even more compelling viewing than the hit show See Mold Spread!
Tired of watching shouty chefs bully hapless underlings? Tired of watching shouty bosses uttering platitudes and bullying hapless underlings? Tired of watching seventy-seven different ways to make lemon cupcakes? Tired of watching people with embarrassing bodies? Tired of watching people, cars, rooms, houses, and pet hamsters all getting expensive makeovers? Tired of watching washed-up ex-celebrities being rude to talentless hopefuls? Tired of watching people competing to say the vilest things and behave in the most despicable manner possible in order to gain audience approval?
Let’s face it, reality TV is losing its edge. When was the last time you vomited onto the floor because of something you saw on a reality show? Last week? The week before? Precisely! It’s all been done, filmed, edited, and presented to you for your viewing delight. Sure, you’ll still sit passively gawping at the flickering screen because the alternative would be horrifying. Imagine: an actual thought might enter your head! In order to avoid this terrifying (but actually almost non-existent) possibility, we here at Monumental Sewage Productions are proud to bring you our latest reality TV sure-fire winner:
This is your classic low-concept pitch. We put cameras into a neighborhood and then we give everyone a bunch of different weapons like assault rifles (in that popular family-friendly low-recoil NATO caliber 5.56 x 45 suitable for women and all children over the age of three), hatchets, machetes, handguns (featuring the ever-popular Glock 19 from one of our sponsors!), and as a bonus option the choice of an all-new M320 or a trusty flamethrower.
Now, we know that a lot of folks have meat on their bones in a body-positive sort of way, so we’re also providing mobility scooters, each one rated to carry up to 500kg / 1,100 lbs. Nearly everyone will be able to fit on one of those beauties, and for those who are a little larger than average we’ve also got a couple of Unimogs with hoists, rated up to 3,000kg. Even the good folks in Houston and Albuquerque should just about be fine with one of those placed carefully underneath them.
Next up, every waking moment of the day we bombard our lovable relatable contestants with fear-inducing messages. No matter where they look, on their smartphones or tablets or laptops or wide-screen TVs, they’ll be getting the same scary messages: your neighbors are out to get you! They’re evil! They spread diseases! You can’t trust them! They look different from you! Their god is false and not a real god like yours surely is! They’re coming for you! They’ll destroy you if you don’t destroy them first! It’s your patriotic duty to stop those pedophile rapist murdering neighbors who are living right next to you!
The human interest is simple: now everyone’s spooked and panicking we can watch as families frantically form alliances and identify their first victims. Then we see them massing outside the victims’ home as the unsuspecting prey themselves are trying to figure out who to go and eat. The massed ranks of mobility scooters roll forward, weapons blazing. Eventually someone will be able to get up off their scooter and waddle toward the front door. By simply leaning against it they can break the door down; those behind can roll over everything on their scooters, trapping the terrified victims on their ultra-strong sofa.
And this is where the fun begins, folks! Imagine seeing a whole family shot, stabbed, hacked, and burned on your HD screen with true-life color rendering and delay-free pixel activation! Imagine hearing the screams through your home entertainment sound system with subwoofer to provide that deep just-below-hearing rumble as the mobility scooters edge relentlessly forward and the stun grenades detonate!
Now, if Eat Your Neighbor was just your typical lame reality show, that would be the highlight. But we’re dedicated to providing the lowest-quality entertainment imaginable so we’re bringing you something special, right into your own living-room. The mass killing is just the beginning. Remember: the show is called Eat Your Neighbor. Which means: the folk who’ve just merrily slaughtered their neighbors now have to decide what to do with the corpses. And this is where the real fun begins!
We’re going to see heartwarming arguments over how best to prepare the little ones. Would grilling spoil their tender meat? What about mom & dad? If they’re roasted, won’t all the fat run out and extinguish the fire? Or, worse yet, cause a huge firestorm that will render them to ashes before anyone can enjoy a juicy morsel or ten? Should we serve slices of son-still-living-at-home on sweet buns or on pan-fried potatoes with bacon and ketchup? If we stuff the baby (still screaming) into the blender, will it make good gazpacho?
Remember folks: all these good-hearted neighbors are still heavily armed! So they get to back up their opinions with lethal weaponry!
Now we get to see them turning on each other, blasting and hacking and burning away like there’s no tomorrow. Which, actually, there won’t be for most of them. But here in producer-land we’ll be enjoying the juicy revenues so no harm, no foul, eh?
In the end, just a few wounded survivors will remain. With so many corpses strewn around and so many body-parts hacked off, there’s no further need to argue about the best approaches to food preparation: there’s enough for everyone to do their own thing now!
Which takes us to the next part of the show: cooking the neighbors. Here our sponsors will provide grills, high-end barbeque pits, top-of-the-range kitchen equipment, and basically everything anyone could wish for. We’ll also provide a range of condiments, spices, and herbs so that individual creativity can be unleashed. Just imagine: roast leg of eight-year-old seasoned with a black pepper and rosemary crust, or braised belly of accountant served with a French jus enlivened by loganberries. Frankly, if you’re not salivating by this time there’s something wrong with you.
Naturally you get to vote for your favorite survivor and for your favorite meal. Every week we’ll pick at random ten viewers who’ll get a portion of cooked neighbor delivered to their home via one of our great sponsors Foodblob or Deliverance. Viewing doesn’t get more intimate and compelling than this!
So there you have it: the next Big Thing in home entertainment. We know you’re absolutely gonna love it, because you just can’t help yourselves.