Elon Musk Explains Neuralink
How it’s all part of a stable genius uber-plan (but not an Uber plan, ’cause those guys are totally lame)
The following is a transcript of a recent interview with the most smart and stable tech genius the world has ever known. It has been edited lightly to remove the sounds of cocaine being snorted.
So, Neuralink, I mean, how else are we gonna save humanity? Apart from everyone driving Teslas and going to live on Mars. Speaking of Mars, there’s a great synergy between Neuralink and my Mars project.
Here’s something not many people know: Mars is a total shithole. I mean, I thought I knew Mars. I’ve seen Total Recall like maybe six times. But it turns out Mars is this cold barren place with only a third of Earth’s gravity and an atmosphere only one-hundredth as thick and there’s no magnetic field to shield anyone from lethal solar radiation and basically it’s a total dive.
So you’d have to be nuts to want to go there, and you’d have to be super-nuts to want to live there. But here’s where my genius comes in: with Neuralink we can manipulate your brain so you think you’re in Tahiti.
This is pretty smart, right? I mean, no one in their right mind would want to spend the rest of their life in an underground concrete bunker drinking their own recycled pee and eating their own recycled feces while muscle and bone loss due to low gravity cripples them progressively. But if they think they’re sipping daiquiris while gazing out over the Bora-Bora lagoon, they’ll be totally content. Plus, my Tesla-branded electric chair-go-round will provide clean green personal mobility so it won’t matter about the muscle and bone loss.
That buys us time to use a million atomic bombs to terra-form Mars so it looks just like that cool planet on Avatar and then everyone can come out of the bunkers, except maybe not because there still won’t be any magnetic field, but maybe I’ll start a company to build one, we can call it MagnaMars or something.
Talk about a win-win all round!
Here’s the other real genius thing: you know how as we all get older our memories get shot? I mean, one of life’s most typical experiences is getting wasted, sending out a tweet, and then not remembering which SEC regulation you’ve broken. Happens to everyone, right? So with Neuralink we’ll have access to the entire Internet. In a nanosecond we’ll know precisely what rule we’ve just crashed through and how big the penalty payment will be. Smart, huh?
Now I know ordinary people aren’t smart like me. But imagine this: your everyday Trump supporter can access all the Q-anon conspiracy theories in a fraction of a second. If that’s not progress then I don’t know what is.
Some people say that because the brain has like one hundred thousand neurons and each neuron can have twenty thousand connections, us putting a couple of electrodes into someone’s head and tapping into a thousand neurons is basically a total waste of time. But hey, someone’s gotta be a visionary and spend all those billions of venture capital dollars, right? And so what if those neuronal implants get infected, plaques grow around the implants, and it damages the brain. I mean, trailblazing isn’t for the weak.
And it’s certainly not for me.
That’s why we get other people to volunteer. There’s too much value in my head for me to risk letting someone shove some electrodes in there! But with our new Tesla-Surg-B-bot we’ll be able to do thousands of these procedures at your local carwash. Starting tomorrow at 10am, I promise. Or maybe 2057, whichever comes first.
I mean, they’re all just numbers, right? It’s not like they mean anything.
So you see how it all fits together? My master plan for saving humanity. I mean, sure, we could be totally boring and try to stop tossing plastic into the oceans and stop destroying habitats and stop pumping billions of tons of CO2 into the air and acidifying the oceans but, really, who can be bothered with all that when Total Recall and Avatar show what an amazing future technology can create for all of us!
Well, all of us except maybe seven-point-three billion people. Because those tickets to Mars aren’t going cheap, let me tell you. But for your average billionaire it’s gonna be totally affordable.
Which is why it’s so very smart, stable, and visionary.
Hey, do you have any crayons and some glitter-glue? I’ve got an idea for a new company that I want to put down on paper before I snort some more of this great white powder and then get onto Twitter for a while…