How the next twenty years will unfold thanks to the King of Spin

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Image credit: Space.com

Elon Musk, having been poisoned in his impressionable youth by watching far too many episodes of Star Trek and then traumatized at the young age of 28 by discovering his parents had mis-spelled Elton on his birth certificate, can never see a situation without also seeing an expensive technological improvement. Coupled to his astounding ability to extract funds from naïve investors ever-eager to be in on the “next big thing,” this has powered Musk’s post-PayPal career and made him a figure of international renown.

Let us now imagine a future in which endless flows of venture funds continue to water his fertile imagination. What new products and companies will Musk create for our delight and universal betterment?

First of all, have you ever noticed how impossible it is to eat anything? I mean, not pizza and hot-dogs and burgers and burritos and tacos and ice-cream cones, obviously. No, I mean food that comes on a plate.

Yes, this actually happens! Sometimes you go to talk at an event (for your usual tiny $50,000 speaker’s fee that barely covers the cost of your private jet getting you there) and they put food on a plate! This means you have to use old-tech things to cut the food and get it up to your mouth. Absurd! Especially when we’ll all be living on Mars next month. Who’s going to have time for all that cutting and forking then?

So here’s the obvious solution: Elon will raise $15 billion to create the Knork, an AI-controlled battery powered machine that will automatically do all that impossible cutting and lifting for us. Each Knork will cost a very reasonable $15,000 and possibly a co-branding with Apple will make it the iKnork and thus an essential accessory for everyone who thinks electronic toys make them less of a social misfit. And if you’re worried that halfway through your meal the Knork will run out of power, you can rest easy: the Knork will be powered by a million-mouthful battery.

As we all know, some time after you’ve eaten something it has to leave its temporary relationship with the human body and go to places we don’t like to think about. But here’s the problem: we’re all going to be living on Mars next month, which is Musk’s billionaire’s extra-planetary panic room, and someone has just informed Elon that Mars isn’t actually like Total Recall at all. Which, as you can imagine, came as quite a shock to Elon because he’s been watching the original Arnold classic once a week for the last thirty years. Anyhow, it turns out Mars only has one-third of Earth’s gravity. Which means when you’re sitting and straining away on the porcelain throne, there’s precious little downward force to assist you during this vital movement moment.

Fortunately, there’s an obvious solution: Elon will raise $20 billion to create the B2B (Bowel-to-Bowl) phenomenon. An AI-controlled automated grabber will rise slowly from the B2B throne and provide that essential assistance to make the movement smooth, rapid, and satisfying. Of course a breakthrough innovation of this magnitude can’t be reserved only for everyone on Mars, because maybe a few people will have to be left behind on Earth to ensure regular resupply for the Mars Panic Room, so the B2B will go on sale tomorrow (or maybe in 2035) for the bargain price of only $29,000 per unit, plus mandatory $15,000 per year liability insurance.

Now that Elon has solved the unimaginable problems of eating and excreting, what else is there for his genius to feast on?

Well, until now no one has had the foresight, intelligence, and sheer once-in-a-millennia genius to see that drinking is also a major human challenge. Here’s the scenario: just like everyone else, you’re sitting in your AI-controlled Elon’sOptimalWorkspaceEnvironmentEnvironment (EOWEE)™ and building a huge Excel spreadsheet that will track where all of the various venture capital investments you’ve raised will be spent.

You’ve plugged in your Hyperloop startup that will synergistically combine with your new VelocityBurrito company so that passengers speeding south at 500kph can open their mouths to receive a perfectly-timed Mex-style meal traveling north toward them at 100kph, thus creating the world’s first true fast-food experience. You’ve plugged in your SpaceX trillion-satellite company that’s going to turn the night sky bright silver from the sunlight reflecting off the bottom of all those tiny satellites that will enable people to live-stream reality TV from the middle of the Sahara and thus bring the unquestionable benefits of Western civilization to the rest of the world. You’ve plugged in your trillion-mile battery company to power the 100-meter statues of yourself standing with open arms you’re going to distribute around the world to remind people of how fortunate they are to live in the Age Of Musk.

And suddenly you realize you’re thirsty.

Now, back in the Stone Age a person would have to rise from their EOWEE and stumble across the distance between office and kitchen to get a bottle of super-purified ion-enriched vitamin-supplemented Musk Water from the AI-driven climate-controlled Musk Chiller. Just like our distant ancestors the apes and the Trump family had to do. But we’re too modern and advanced for such a primitive solution.

So naturally we turn to Elon’s latest $10 billion dollar company: P2Please. Simply attach one end of the tastefully-colored plastic tube to the relevant output valve on your Type One Human Body and the other end in your mouth like one of those suction devices your dentist inserts during a deep cleaning. Only (and here’s the really super-clever part) this doesn’t suck (at least, not in the literal sense): it blows (one again, Elon reminds you to take this in an entirely literal manner).

A constant trickle of rehydrating H2) enables you to work on as many Excel spreadsheets as you like, by freeing you from the need to move from your ergonomically perfect Mars-prototype EOWEE. An ultra-hi-tech filtration unit performs miracles to deliver (nearly) pure water from the other end in a perfect, green (though actually and very importantly color-free), environmentally friendly, and (at only $40,000 per unit) affordable synergy between human and technology.

Plus, it will get you ready for Mars where you’ll be drinking and eating your own recycled wastes for the rest of your (likely quite brief) life! How cool is that??

So if you’re as eager as Elon is to live entirely in MuskWorld, you’ll be thrilled to know that all of these ultra-hyper-clever inventions will be arriving soon(ish) and will absolutely without question be the future of humanity. And if you’re worried about how to pay for them, no need! Remember: there are over 2,000 billionaires alive today who want to remain that way indefinitely by harvesting the organs of younger healthier volunteers. Why hang on to those lucrative kidneys, lungs, livers, and hearts when you can realize their capital value by paying a brief visit to the new super-massive Musk Medical Multiplex located in a tasteful inverted pyramid just off Sand Hill Road.

And if you’re worried about how to cling on to life after you’ve cashed in on your old-style biological systems, you’ll be delighted to know that MuskOrgans Inc. is almost ready to deliver the first in its bleeding-edge organ substitute units, which will enable you to live the rest of your life in a comfortable and highly ergonomic prone position from which you can consume as many MuskDisney co-branded and co-produced reality TV shows as you want!

Yes, thanks to Elon, the future of humanity is bright indeed.

You’re very welcome to MuskWorld.

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