How the next twenty years will unfold thanks to the King of Spin
Elon Musk, having been poisoned in his impressionable youth by watching far too many episodes of Star Trek and then traumatized at the young age of 28 by discovering his parents had mis-spelled Elton on his birth certificate, can never see a situation without also seeing an expensive technological improvement. Coupled to his astounding ability to extract funds from naïve investors ever-eager to be in on the “next big thing,” this has powered Musk’s post-PayPal career and made him a figure of international renown.
Let us now imagine a future in which endless flows of venture funds continue to water his fertile imagination. What new products and companies will Musk create for our delight and universal betterment?
First of all, have you ever noticed how impossible it is to eat anything? I mean, not pizza and hot-dogs and burgers and burritos and tacos and ice-cream cones, obviously. No, I mean food that comes on a plate.
Yes, this actually happens! Sometimes you go to talk at an event (for your usual tiny $50,000 speaker’s fee that barely covers the cost of your private jet getting you there) and they put food on a plate! This means you have to use old-tech things to cut the food and get it up to your mouth. Absurd! Especially when we’ll all be living on Mars next month. Who’s going to have time for all that cutting and forking then?
So here’s the obvious solution: Elon will raise $15 billion to create the Knork, an AI-controlled battery powered machine that will automatically do all that impossible cutting and lifting for us. Each Knork will cost a very reasonable $15,000 and possibly a co-branding with Apple will make it the iKnork and thus an essential accessory for everyone who thinks electronic toys make them less of a social misfit. And if you’re worried that halfway through your meal the Knork will run out of power, you can rest easy: the Knork will be powered by a million-mouthful battery.
As we all know, some time after you’ve eaten something it has to leave its temporary relationship with the human body and go to places we don’t like to think about. But here’s the problem: we’re all going to be living on Mars next month, which is Musk’s billionaire’s extra-planetary panic room…