It’s a curious thing but there’s never any shortage of people eager to tell us what is normal, what is acceptable, and what is desirable. In general these folk mean well, but they’re merely extrapolating from their own likes and prejudices. I’ve been fortunate in my life to have been intimate with many women and I’ve listened carefully to each one, learning from every experience and in the process having all of my preconceptions changed beyond recognition.
When it comes to sexuality, there’s no shortage of what is basically misinformation. Unfortunately in our Politically Correct hyper-sensitive age, it’s generally unwise to challenge the current transiently fashionable beliefs. One is likely to be accused of all manner of bad things, all of which come from the Big Bag of Stock Opprobrium. As a middle-aged (or frankly just old and wrinkly) highly educated white male I’m an easy and obvious target for gender-based outrage.
With that in mind, here goes….
It’s currently fashionable to believe that women are simply wired differently from men. In order to enjoy sex they need a long build-up. They need to feel safe and loved.
This is actually just Victorian sentiment dressed up as modern-day wisdom.
Here’s the reality: for nearly all of our evolutionary history we’ve been a prey species, snatching brief copulations while watching out for predators and rivals. If female humans truly needed, rather than sometimes simply often enjoy, lengthy foreplay it’s likely we’d have ended up in the stomachs of predators instead of having become quite recently the dominant species on Earth. We see no other animal species in which the female must receive lengthy intimate physical attention prior to being ready to copulate. This is because evolutionarily speaking it would be a non-starter. Conversely many women have had the experience of being aroused very quickly, perhaps by a chance encounter with a stranger or by mental stimulation or by some kind of touch or action.
As for being loved and feeling safe as a prerequisite for pleasure, I’ve heard many women recount tales of rough wild sex with a dominant stranger. The edge of risk, of potential danger, is in fact a well-known aphrodisiac. This is one reason why there’s generally more sex during wars than during times of peace.
I’ve listened to women who like to be caressed gently and then enjoy slow love-making and I’ve listened to others who like to be spanked and then fucked hard. I’ve heard women talk about loving to give blowjobs and others who dislike the act. I’ve listened to women who love anal sex and others who fear it. I know some women who love double and triple penetrations while others feel that occasionally wearing a negligé for their man is risqué enough. I’ve known women who get turned on by masturbating in front of their partners and others who’d be horrified if anyone saw them performing such an intimate act of self-love.
In short, the one thing I’ve learned is that everyone is different. Happiness won’t come from accepting someone else’s assertions but rather from exploring and trying things out until you discover what works (for today) for you and your current partner. When people ask me what I think about any particular sexual activity I just shrug and say, “you’ll have to see for yourself if it works for you.”
In short, most of what we’re told and what we believe may be correct for some but it most likely won’t be correct for many more. We should have the courage to explore for ourselves, not accept someone else’s ideas of what we ought to feel, ought to enjoy, or ought to do.
At least that’s my ten cents, based on forty-five years of cumulative experience. Your findings may be different!