Everything Explained About Britain

Unauthorized transcript of a confidential conversation between two Downing Street staff identified here as individuals 1 and 2

Image credit: BBC Television

1: “So it’s decided, then?”
2: “Afraid so. Our great leader Boris ‘the Fat Owl’ Johnson is desperate to do his Winston act again. You know: the mock-serious constipated face babbling endlessly about the Blitz and Wartime Spirit.”

1: “Shame about the remaining small businesses, eh?”

2: “As Boris so memorably put it, ‘fuck business.’ Thing is, he spends half his time watching videos of Macron and the other half of his time staring wistfully into the mirror. Poor old Boris knows he can’t compete. And don’t even mention Trudeau!”

1: “So when Macron announced a second French lockdown…”

2: “Our flabby leader had to do the same. Can’t be one-upped by the Frogs, can he?”

1: “And of course, there’s the Cleggies.”

2: “Ah, the Cleggies. Yes indeed. Chump Boris utterly depends on them now but they’re the most awful dullards. It was getting rather dicey for a moment or two. North of England under lockdown while the Hated South remained open. Not good optics, as the Yanks put it. Much easier to shut the entire…