A tale from the archives of the mid 21st century
17th March 2043, Томская газета (translated) Local astronomer Lyudmila Ivanovitch Petrov claims to have detected a large but anomalous comet that is currently passing within the orbit of Jupiter. According to our telescope-owning resident, the calculated trajectory of this celestial visitor will bring it to within 1,000 kilometers of the Earth. Scientists at the Russian Academy of Space Scientists are hastening to confirm her discovery.
Meanwhile, her son Sergei Petrovitch has written to Tsar Putin II (The Glorious) to request a special allowance of Citizen’s Vodka to be sent from Vodprom, the recently consolidated national beverage company owned by the Tsar’s cousin Ivan.
20th March 2043, 北京日報 (translated) Another great achievement from the Chinese People’s Liberation Army Observation & Signals Intelligence Bureau 417!
Today we announce another magnificent Scientific Silk Road People’s Victory discovery!!
Chinese astronomers are the first to detect a new comet, named Comet Big Brother Xi in honor of our Eternal Leader and Greatest Helmsman and Guardian of the People For Eternity!!!
Our glorious Chinese People’s Space Force for Peaceful Co-Existence & Nuclear Deterrent is planning to send a robotic mission to this new celestial visitor to collect samples from its surface and return them to Earth for subsequent analysis!!!!
We all applaud another stupendous achievement for Peaceful Chinese Scientific Endeavors that is far beyond the capabilities of the Decadent Netflix-Addicted Obese Mindless West!!!!!
1st April 2043, Oregon Reporter & Streaming Video Guide President Brainless Dingbat continues to deny reports that a large comet is currently on a trajectory that will intercept Earth on 15th June this year. Calling it “the Chinese comet” and “a fake comet,” President Dingbat pointed to his head and said, “I’ve got more rock inside here than in any comet you’ll ever hear about. The best rocks, the greatest rocks. Nobody knows more about rocks in their head than me.”
In unrelated news, the FBI is working with local law enforcement paramilitaries to confiscate telescopes and binoculars due to a new medical finding by the Surgeon General (President Dingbat’s beloved daughter Smirky Sue) that looking through any magnifying device can lead to brain cancer, heart disease, and the possibility of remembering a time when the Republican Party didn’t always win 99.9998% of the vote in every election everywhere.
19th April 2043, Actualité France365 (translated) President Hollandaise is under increasing pressure to confirm or deny reports that an unauthorized post by a CERN scientist to the prepublication website rxiv.org was hastily removed three days ago by Israel’s Group 8200 and that a Mossad extraction team performed illegal rendition of the author from French soil as he was on his way home from work.
Sources speculate that the now-deleted paper contained detailed calculations regarding the trajectory of Comet Big Brother Xi, also known as Xi2043.
22nd April 2043, Toronto Times This morning at 09.45 local time, Prime Minister Gerard le Poutine confirmed that comet Xi2043 will collide with Earth on 15th June this year. The comet, which is now visible to the eye between 23.20 and 04.35 Eastern Canada time, is projected to impact within 300 kilometers of the Hawai’ian island of Kauai at 03.40 local time, 09.40 Eastern Canada time.
Scientists estimate the mass of comet Xi2043 to be in the region of 4,000 metric tonnes. Seismological and oceanological calculations suggest the impact will create a tsunami radiating outward from the center of impact. The tsunami is likely to travel at speeds exceeding 1,200 kilometers per hour and will reach a maximum height of 500 meters. In addition, an atmospheric shock-wave will propagate at over 2,000 kilometers per hour.
Commentators are calling the event The Great Extinction, but scientists have been quick to point out that it is likely certain places will remain relatively untouched. Candidate survival zones include the Sahara Desert, all 400 square kilometers of the Central African Heritage Preserve & Disney Theme Park, and some of Siberia.
23rd April 2043, Wall Street Truth & Patriotism Journal President Dingbat, speaking to the nation this morning, will announce his intention to hold an Executive & Really Smart Summit with Russia’s Tsar Putin II in Siberia later this year.
The summit will be aimed at increasing mutually beneficial trade between the USA and Russia. Items at the top of the list will include peanut butter, ушанки (Smirky Sue’s favorite headwear item), dried cheese, and 9mm ammunition.
It is expected that the Summit, which will be attended by all of President Dingbat’s 19 children and his seven ex-wives and all of their product marketing specialists, will begin on June 10th and last at least six months. The summit will take place in Tsar Putin II’s luxurious gold-plated underground bunker that boasts an exact replica of the Hermitage Museum and an indoor underground lake on which a full-sized replica of Venice has been constructed to house the delegates and their attendants. A troop of twelve-year-old female gymnasts will be on hand to provide entertainment for participants at the end of each day’s grueling negotiations.
5th May 2043, 北京日報 (translated) New Amazing and World-Leading Discovery by Superior Chinese Scientists!
Today Eternal Leader and Greatest Helmsman and Guardian of the People For Eternity Big Brother Xi announced that the celestial object known to the entire world as Comet Xi2043 is not in fact a comet at all!!
Chinese astronomers have received signals from the object that clearly indicate an intelligent source!!!
Cryptographers from the Chinese Bureau of Peaceful Cyber Defense & Advanced Virus Development are working to decode the signals!!!!
China is preparing for Wise And Benevolent First Contact With Great World Leader Xi!!!!!
8th May 2043, Wall Street Truth & Patriotism Journal President Dingbat today dismissed Chinese, Russian, French, German, and Swiss claims that Comet Xi2043 is in fact an artifact constructed by some alien intelligence and therefore is unlikely to impact Earth as originally projected. Calling these claims “fake” and “really dumb,” President Dingbat insisted that his Summit with Russia’s Tsar Putin II will take place as planned in June. Speaking of the Russian people, President Dingbat said, “they really need our peanut butter.”
The President also insisted that it was too late to cancel plans to move the White House brick-by-brick to Siberia and likewise to cancel his “really amazing” project to build a new mega-hotel Dingbat Towers on the outskirts of Novisibirsk.
9th May 2043, San Jose Mercury News & Streaming Video Guide Gun shops across the nation are selling out as millions of Americans rush to add to their private arsenals. It is estimated there are now more than 800 million weapons owned by more than 150 million households across the nation. Patriotic rallies of wheelchair-bound hyper-obese citizens are being held wherever there’s enough flat open space to accommodate RVs and trailers.
Meanwhile, after coming under intense pressure from President Dingbat’s administration, the World Health Organization has reversed its stance on tinfoil hats, saying that people should now wear tinfoil hats whenever they go outside in order to protect themselves from invisible mind-rays that are likely being beamed from what used to be known as Comet Xi2043 but which is now being referred to as Those Guys Up There.
Meanwhile, grocery stores are reporting runs on essential items such as aluminum foil, toilet rolls, cat food, and adult incontinence pads.
14th May 2043, Paris Match (translated) Renowned three-star Guide Micheline chefs René Duplessis and Jeanne Navárre, of the celebrated restaurants Le Cercle Brun and Mille Fouille respectively, have announced their intention to team up to create a banquet for the alien life forms that are expected to exist within the vessel currently approaching Earth. Drawing on regional cuisine from all over the hexagon, the 27-course menu gourmandise will include treasures such as boiled pig’s ear in a salt-grass reduction, braised lamb’s testicles served on a bed of baby greens, a purée of frog’s stomach and lavender nectar, and of course the inevitable mousseline of foal’s brain with a truffle-champagne glaze.
18th May 2043, Nationale Korrekte Nachrichten (translated) Accepting its historic role as protector of the German People, the leader of the German National Patriotic Savior Party Ursula von Staüffel announced today that the Bundeswehr has been placed on Maximum Alert. Proudly addressing the nation, Chancellor von Staüffel vowed that Germany would resist invasion and pay any price to remain a free land under the wise and benevolent rule of the German National Patriotic Savior Party.
Immediately following this announcement, Germany sealed its borders with the rest of the Diminished Union of European States (DUES) and announced a strict curfew from 18.00 to 08.00. Martial Law has been imposed.
22nd May 2043, Wall Street Truth & Patriotism Journal President Dingbat denied reports that he’d been planning a Summit meeting with Russia’s Tsar Putin II, saying it was “all just a Demo-rat conspiracy, a fake summit, never happened.” Work on the 400-foot-tall statue of President Dingbat, carved out of the remains of Mount Saint Helen, was accelerated by Executive Order 17,387 and the planned completion date is now June 14th of this year, but because contractors aren’t being paid there’s considerably uncertainty about the viability of the project.
The President also took time to deny reports that tinfoil-hat-wearing citizens have been slaughtering each other on a record scale, with over 273,900 deaths recorded yesterday alone. Saying these were all “fake deaths” and also “a great example of American leadership” the President urged ammunition manufacturers to increase output during this period of national emergency.
27th May 2043, Vatican Times (translated) Today the Pope joins other religious leaders around the world in welcoming the visitors from another planet and extending to them an invitation to join in an ecumenical celebration of worship. In a communique agreed by all parties except US evangelical leaders, all expressed the certainty that the aliens will confirm that the universe was created by a benevolent deity and operates according to an ineffable Plan.
The televangelist Pastor James “Bucks” McGregor issued a contrasting statement saying that he is praying for the aliens to accept Jesus into their lives and reminding them that eternal damnation awaits all who reject the son of god. In addition, if they reject Jesus then the aliens will forfeit any royalties accruing from the multiple appearances he expects them to make on his twice-daily TV show.
30th May 2043, British Broadcasting Mouthpiece Speaking from his bed in the Evergreen Rest Home for Popular Entertainers, Britain’s longest-serving Prime Minister Boris (“the Grinning Clown”) Johnson finally responded to the question of whether the panic-induced looting being seen around the world may soon strike Britain as well.
With the mummified body of Queen Elizabeth II propped up beside his bed, and after running his hands through his comb-over and pausing to swill a bottle of Pol Roger vintage brut and citing for the 11,973rd time the “spirit of the Blitz,” the Prime Minister went on to say that he was confident the nation would “muddle through as usual.”
When pressed on the matter of whether there would be any looting, the Prime Minister replied, “Definitely not! I’m confident the coming days will enable us to demonstrate the overwhelming success of Brexit. There won’t be any looting here in Britain, I can guarantee you that!”
Economists agree with the Prime Minister’s assessment, pointing out that since post-Brexit Britain no longer has anything to loot, it’s unlikely that citizens will divert themselves from their national pastime of attempting to survive on grass patties and an occasional highly nutritious insect carcass.
2nd June 2043, Weird Magazine Despite suffering from both Schizophrenia and Terminal Narcissistic Syndrome, failed entrepreneur and serial bankrupt Elon Musk tweeted today his new plan to raise $950 trillion in venture capital to fund the development and launch of his planned Space Cadet Blaster-Booster Really Huge Rocket. Fueled by discarded lithium and high-octane hubris, Musk’s new project will be completed in 12 hours and will carry a crew of over 200 reporters who will accompany Musk as he pilots the craft to intercept the alien vessel now approaching Earth.
Speaking from his padded cell, Musk was supremely confident that his project will be completed on time and that he will become the first person in history to make personal and up-close contact with an alien species. Reports indicate that excitable venture capitalists have already committed over $500 billion to Musk’s latest project, leaving only $949,500,000,000,000 left to raise. Bankers hired to assist with the fundraising deny reports that Musk plans to ask the aliens to invest in the project themselves.
6th June 2043, Organization of the Red Cross, Geneva In a collaborative statement with the WHO and the Red Crescent, the Red Cross today called for urgent action to address the mass bloodshed that is occurring around the world. As hysterical citizens wound and kill each other in battles for scarce aluminum foil and toilet paper, the death toll now stands at over 280 million and is rising at a rate of over 15 million per day. Appealing to organizations such as Google News and all components of the Murdoch Media Empire (MME), the Red Cross asked for less sensationalism and greater responsibility.
A spokesperson for MME issued a rebuttal statement: “The Red Cross doesn’t know what it’s talking about. If they saw the way our ad revenues have gone through the roof, they’d shut the f*ck up.” Meanwhile Google spokesperson Polly T Correct simply pointed to Google’s Responsibility Charter, which says, “Don’t be evil to our revenue streams.”
12th June 2043, The Conspirator The Interweb is buzzing with the latest revelation of what’s truly behind the so-called alien spacecraft! Harry Potbelly, aka The Devastator Of Worlds, said in his blog today that he has absolute total proof that the entire alien spacecraft story is a government conspiracy to cover up the fact that the CIA accidentally blew up a pizza parlor in Des Moines last year.
Pointing out the fact that the supposed date of alien arrival is exactly the same date as the pizza parlor incident (which Harry himself broke to the world last year), The Devastator says this is conclusive proof of conspiracy. Furthermore, the fact that local government documents show there was never a pizza parlor in the location claimed by Harry in his Earth-shattering blog only goes to prove beyond any doubt there’s a cover-up going on.
Citing sources “too sensitive to be revealed” but widely believed to be his pet hamster Gerald, Harry concluded his blog post by pointing out that his deceased mother’s birthday was also on 15th June.
Coincidence, or conclusive proof of the latest DeepState conspiracy? You decide.
14th June 2043, 北京日報 (translated) China and countries elsewhere await the dawn!
The Chinese People’s Space Force for Peaceful Co-Existence & Nuclear Deterrent has intercepted the alien craft in orbit around our planet at a height of 600 kilometers and provided the most accurate and comprehensive images of the object!!
From his magnanimous generosity, Eternal Leader and Greatest Helmsman and Guardian of the People For Eternity Big Brother Xi has shared these images with other nations at a reduced rate of copyright royalty!!!
The alien craft is completely smooth and reflects little light!!!!
China’s People’s Benevolent & Infallible Government Party (formerly known as the Chinese Communist Party) is certain that First Contact will be made in Tiananmen Square, which represents humanity’s finest spirit. Preparations are underway to welcome our new guests with a range of traditional Chinese foods!!!!!
Eternal Leader and Greatest Helmsman and Guardian of the People For Eternity Big Brother Xi is preparing a brief 12-hour speech to welcome our new guests, who will be sure to applaud enthusiastically throughout his address!!!!!!
18th June 2043, Томская газета (translated) Local cryptography PhD student Konstantine Gregorivitch Levets believes he has translated the inscription on the mysterious object teleported to the center of Kinshasa three days ago. While experts in the USA and China agree that the meaning of the inscription is unlikely to be deciphered for years, K. Gregorivitch believes he has uncovered its true meaning. In stark contrast to the claims made by scientists elsewhere, K. Gregorivitch does not believe the inscription provides design specifications for advanced technologies, nor is it a greeting in a universal language.
Instead, K. Gergorivitch believes the inscription reveals the true purpose of the object: it is an award.
According to his translation, the primary inscription says:
Winner of the Stupidest Species in the Quadrant, Stardate 014.874.29
Under the primary inscription is the message:
Awarded by unanimous vote for 1,000 local solar orbits of consistent idiocy in which the species calling itself homo sapiens has comprehensively demonstrated a total inability to learn anything at all from its many egregious and self-harming blunders. Intellectual incapacity coupled to consistently short-sighted and deeply damaging behavior is guaranteed to result in self-extermination, thus confirming the recipient species’ award-winning nature.
Note: the award is being presented early because the recipient species is unlikely to avoid self-extermination before the usual ceremony date.