An alien communication to intelligent life on Earth

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Attention creatures on the third planet from your sun!

Although it’s blindingly improbable, we are a technological civilization located a mere 120 light years from your own system. Despite the fact it’s a hell of a boring road trip, our lives are of sufficient duration that it’s a feasible distance for us to travel, albeit we’ve finished all the entertainment units we brought with us.

Turns out space is a great place for binge-watching because, frankly, there’s fuck all else to do.

And yes, we are fully aware that we’ve missed out on centuries of additional entertainments. We’re renaming our vessel No Spoiler Alert for the return trip. We’ve also sent out an advance order for refreshments & edibles. About 400 years’ worth, in fact.

But that’s not what we want to communicate to you today. No, we have a message of far greater importance:

You have demonstrated sufficient intelligence to be worthy of our attention!

Yes, this should be a proud day! We’ve been observing your planet occasionally over the last 20 million of your solar cycles and finally evolution has by sheer chance caused the emergence of sentient life on your planet.

This isn’t the only amazing thing about your planet. Before we took a close look, we assumed only primitive life would exist due to the poisonous level of oxygen in your atmosphere, the toxic waste product of all those tiny phytoplankton that go about photosynthesizing with no regard for anyone else. Imagine our surprise when we discovered evolution has enabled multi-cellular life to actually utilize oxygen in order to power metabolism!

Anyhow, we’re offering selected representatives the opportunity to come with us back to our own world. We have engineered suitable bio-habitats and as you can tell from the fact you’re understanding this message, we can communicate across the species divide without difficulty.

You’ll be welcome to binge-watch our entertainment units, which should be especially exciting for you as you won’t (unlike us) already have seen every episode at least eighty-three times. And we promise not to tell you which three of the nine flarguls of mor the delicious henriobia finally selects as his/her/its/zer vingorals.

We wouldn’t want to spoil it for you. Really.

We suggest you select a reasonably large group of individuals, perhaps 1100100, which in case you’ve moved beyond binary is 144 in base-8, 100 in base-10, 84 in base-12, and 1e in base-60. And frankly if you’re using a different base from any of these then you’re just showing off, so stop it.

Our hope is that you can learn from us, from our successes and our inevitable mistakes, and then carry this knowledge back to your home planet for the benefit of all. After observing you for some considerable time we’re fully confident that you have the intellectual capacity and the emotional maturity to act in the best interests of the planet as a whole.

So step forward please, representatives of the Corvid family: crows, magpies, and ravens are all welcome. Step forward please, representatives of the Octopus family and your plus-ones, the cuttlefish.

All of you have demonstrated superior intelligence, reasoning abilities, and excellent memories. We’re proud to welcome you aboard and we’re sure you’ll enjoy what will undoubtedly be a very rich learning experience for us all.

Oh, one last thing: don’t mention this to those mindless apes who are running around killing each other and totally ruining the planet. They wouldn’t understand; and besides, we’re going to eradicate them to stop what would otherwise be the first self-inflicted global mass extinction ever known on your delicate little world.

So welcome on board and buckle yourselves in. It’s going to be an amazing ride!

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