How My Wife Accidentally Had Anal Sex With 25 Men In One Afternoon

Plus: the world’s absolute best tomato soup recipe

Image credit: Amy In The Kitchen

Although this does feel a lot like your classic bait-and-switch, I have to make a confession from the outset: it was really only 23 men.

And it wasn’t just the afternoon: the party went on until nearly midnight, at which point everyone was pretty wiped out.

So now I’ve fessed up, I expect you’d like to hear more about what happened some twelve years ago in Carson City, Nevada, when my second wife and I made a trip from our home in Northern California so that she could make the acquaintance of a group of fire-fighters and their various friends and room-mates.

But first of all, let me tell you about tomato soup. It is, frankly, one of the most zesty yet soothing concoctions a person can rustle up in the kitchen with only a modicum of special equipment. Preparation of ingredients takes about an hour, and cooking time adds another hour. But you can make several servings in a single session, so if you have plenty of containers and a sufficiently large freezer it’s a worthwhile investment of time.

Though not thyme, as that really doesn’t work with tomato soup.

Start by growing your own tomatoes. Trust me: it’s easy and totally worth it. Tomatoes are the weeds of the fruit world (yes, they are fruits because they have seeds and that’s the definition of a fruit) and they grow enthusiastically just about anywhere. Plant Early Girls because they are delicious. Anyhow, about fifteen minutes after you’ve planted your Early Girl seeds that you bought in a packet from your local garden center, you’ll have about three tons of plump juicy tomatoes.

Pluck the tomatoes from the plant (there will be another three tons waiting for you tomorrow, so don’t be afraid) and take them inside and score the skins near the top. Blanche them in boiling water. Then remove the tomatoes, peel them, and then cook them slowly with black pepper and a small amount of finely-chopped yellow onion and finely-chopped celery. When everything is wonderfully soft and pulpy, allow to cool and then press through a sieve to remove the pips and any skin you failed to remove earlier.

Unlike tomato skins, Tanya’s clothing was easily and quickly removed without requiring hot water. She was a sexual adventuress and was very much into exploring the Law of Big Numbers. She’d already discovered the Law of Big Cocks (a simple equation whereby S = XO², S being Size and X being any big number you want and O being orgasms squared, though strictly speaking it’s difficult to square an orgasm as they tend to be round and squishy like tomatoes).

She wanted to further her mathematical curiosity by empirical exploration of the Law of Big Numbers, where Big > 10. Thanks to a well-known website she was able to find a group of men who specialized in helping attractive young women with their mathematical homework. As they were located in Carson City, a mere three hour drive from our home was sufficient to enable her to make the acquaintance of these kindly gentlemen and consult them on the topic of how many times a highly-sexed young woman could be fucked before everything became too sore to continue.

This was, by astonishing coincidence, precisely the topic the young Ludwig Wittgenstein considered pursuing for his PhD thesis before ultimately settling on a lengthy exposition of his absurd Private Language Theorem, which merely demonstrated the fact his education had been so impoverished that he’d never heard of Charles Darwin and his imagination was so impoverished he’d never considered the field work he’d have to do in order to amass sufficient data for his original topic.

The core group comprised some fifteen men, but Tanya had let them know that such a paltry number would almost certainly be insufficient. After a week of effort the group had managed to rise to the occasion and add an additional eight members. This, Tanya deemed sufficient. And so it was that we set out one morning to rendezvous with her enthusiastic study group.

Once you’ve got the pulp separated from the pips and any pieces of onion that haven’t fully dissolved in the cooking process, put the pulp back into the pot and add chicken stock. Also add at this time peeled potato cut into small chunks. Cook until all the potato has dissolved so that the soup is now pleasantly thick. Add a small amount of heavy cream and then salt to taste. Serve garnished with a fresh basil leaf.

Hmmm? You want to know about the gang-bang? Talk about having a one-track mind!

It was surprisingly straightforward. After initial introductions and a much-needed trip to the bathroom for us both after the long drive, everyone presented their brand-new STD test results and Tanya stripped naked. There was quite rapidly a great deal of double and triple penetration, all three of her willing passages were much employed, and everyone involved had a thoroughly enjoyable and consensual time.

Tanya hadn’t really been expecting that every one of the men present would avail himself of her rear passage but that is in fact what occurred, though the word accident is perhaps somewhat misleading as it appeared that the penetrations were in fact intentional.

Somewhat disappointingly, at the end of the night when everyone was thoroughly drained, exhausted, and satisfied, no soup was passed around.

I put this down to the overly-arid climate of Nevada, which is obviously not favorable to the cultivation of tomatoes of any variety.

Anyone who enjoys my articles here on Medium may be interested in my books Why Democracy Failed and The Praying Ape, both available from Amazon.

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