How To Be A Gym Jerk
Don’t worry, it’s easy and nearly everyone can do it!
I’ve spent most of my adult life working out in gyms, not because I ever wanted to look like Arnold but because I appreciate the health and wellness benefits that come from having frequently-used muscles and good bone density. Over the last thirty-five years I’ve had the opportunity of observing other men across more than a hundred gyms (I work out whenever I travel, as well as at my local gym) and it’s been a bit like studying chimpanzees, except for the fact that chimps are quite intelligent.
While there are some men who work out with good form, put the weights back in the correct locations when they’re finished using them, and only utilize one machine or station at a time, these poor saps are in the minority.
Real men know the whole point of being in the gym is to cause as much inconvenience and annoyance to others as possible.
In case you’re not entirely sure if you’re being sufficiently jerky, here’s a set of handy tips to make sure you’re hitting all the bases:
If you need to use dumbbells, don’t just take the dumbbells you need. That’s an amateur move. Take several pairs. If you’re going to curl 45lbs then be sure to take the 35lbs, 40lbs, 45lbs, 50lbs and 55lbs dumbbells and leave them all on the floor in front of you. This way, everyone else who needed any of these weights will be able to enjoy watching you performing your sets. That is, when you’ve stopped stroking your phone and updating your InstaChat account.
It should go without saying that when you’ve finished, you absolutely must leave the weights on the floor. As a serious gym guy, you can’t be expected to clean up after yourself. Besides, if someone trips over them then you’re giving the entire gym an opportunity to laugh at their stupidity.
(Quick extra tip: if your smartphone is black, and the gym floor is black, be sure to put your phone face-down on the floor right where most people need to walk, and then shout at them when they step near your phone!)
Real men know that when they’re putting the plates on a squat machine, they need to max out the capacity of the bars. Sure, this may mean that each rep is only maybe a couple of inches deep but who cares about form when you’ve got some serious manly weight to push?
Again, at the end of your sets, you absolutely must leave all the weights on the machine. Because hey, women are always bitching about being independent, right? So now you’re giving them the opportunity to independently remove all those weights you thoughtfully left on the machine, which is surely just being considerate. Plus, you’re enabling them to get more exercise, so it’s all good.
Talking about machines, real men don’t wait for women to finish using them. Real men stroll over and say things like, “That’s my machine. I need it now.” Then sit on the machine and check InstaSnap for messages, check the latest golf tips on your golf app, and maybe even take a short power nap so you’ll feel totally fresh when you eventually begin using the machine you’ve just commandeered. If you’re really manly, there will now be a long queue of people waiting to use the machine when you’re done with it, which means you must really, really take your time. Even better if you can play this game with multiple machines because you’re “super-setting” and really, truly, need all six for your super-intense workout.
Now let’s consider proper form. Sure, wimpy men and most women pay attention to form, doing the exercises in an ergonomic and safe way. But where’s the fun in that? And besides, doing it properly means you won’t be able to move the kind of weight that real men shift. So it’s important to master the jerk.
Here’s how it works: imagine you’re doing a standing barbell curl for your biceps. Proper form (you know, for girls & gays) would be to stand with legs shoulder width apart, knees slightly bent, back straight, and curl the bar from in front of your hips up to your chin in a controlled manner, using only your biceps and various stabilizer muscles. Screw that!
Here’s the manly way to do it: put as much weight onto the bar as you can, then find a way to snatch it up so that you’re holding the bar in front of you with your elbows at 90 degrees. Now, instead of completing the curl using your biceps, just rock back and forth, compressing your lower spine, and use your biceps just to hold the bar in place. Remember: if you don’t injure yourself at least once per visit, you’re not doing it right.
Every true man knows the bench press is the ultimate test of raw manliness. Again, put as many plates on the bar as you can. Then have a buddy spot you so he can help you get the bar up off the rests. Now let the bar drop onto your sternum and use the bone’s elasticity to bounce the bar up a few inches while you arch your back in order to put as much stress onto your lower vertebrae as possible. At this point your buddy should help pull the bar upward while you make as much noise as possible so that everyone in the gym will turn to look and be impressed by the enormous weight you’re dealing with. But don’t overdo things. One or two reps is quite sufficient to get the message across. And besides, if you’ve been using enough weight, chances are you’ll need to make a trip now to the men’s room. Let’s hope you remembered to pack wet-wipes!
Once you’re in the locker room, don’t relax. There’s still plenty of jerk possibilities to exploit. If there are a couple of benches for people to sit on, spread your stuff over every available surface. Hey, you paid your membership dues, right? So it’s basically your gym. Lesser guys have to learn to look after themselves!
If you can stay under the shower long enough to use up all the hot water, that’s fantastic! In any event, remember to traipse as much water across the locker room floor as possible. Then clear some of your stuff so you have room to sit down on the bench, and begin to trim your toenails. Let the nail fragments scatter across the floor. They pay someone to clean up, right? It’s only fair to let that person earn their money.
If there are other guys in the locker room you can initiate conversation, ideally talking about how many hot women you’ve fucked recently. Better still if you can describe some of the women who are currently in the gym and go into details about the way they squealed when you forced it in, or how they begged you for certain sexual acts. Don’t worry, you don’t actually need to back up your claims and you may even still be a virgin. It’s the talk that counts.
These are the basic moves. A true Gym Jerk will of course create his own repertoire (even if he can’t spell it or pronounce it), elaborating on and extending the core curriculum. The true Gym Jerk has the satisfaction of knowing that every time he walks into the gym, everyone else notices.
Because he’s That Guy.
Good luck, and remember: be sloppy out there!
