Thanksgiving is a holiday invented after the American Civil War in the hope that it would help bind a divided nation together. After all, while folk may disagree about the merits of slavery and lynching people with dark skin, surely we can all agree on the merits of over-eating and subsequent indigestion.
And so a series of myths were promulgated and All Became Good.
US school children are taught a fabrication in which neurotic genocidal Puritans sat down to share a feast with peaceful Native Americans while the former’s tribal god looked benevolently down on all and sundry as they ate turkey with all the trimmings.
In reality, the Puritans thought the Native Americans they encountered were agents of Satan and thus they ignored all the warnings of coming winter, being certain that their little god would provide. Laying up supplies for winter would be to doubt their god’s provenance and that would be Very Wrong Indeed.
When the first winter came as advertised and the Puritans were consequently starving, it was the Native Americans who unwisely saved the newcomers by sharing their stores of food. This however didn’t disturb the Puritans’ conviction that their helpers were truly Satan’s agents and the following year they played amusing games such as “bury the Indian up to his neck and then kick his head until it comes off.”
For some inexplicable reason this part of history is not taught in US schools.
Today Thanksgiving is regarded as a Great American Holiday. As the USA conflates itself with America, Canadians and Mexicans and everyone living south of Mexico get to stand around and watch as already-obese US citizens cram themselves with enough calories to sink a battleship.
As I’m in Switzerland this year, I’ve decided to import this heartwarming (and heart clogging) festival and I’m taking care to ensure it is delivered with True American Flavor.
As there are many US citizens abroad and in need of the comforts of home, I thought it would be an act of kindness to share my preparations with the world. Or at least that portion of it that reads Medium articles.
Accordingly, allow me to present my Real American Thanksgiving Recipe.
One large turkey, plucked and gutted
20-pound bag of white sugar
Eight gallons of high fructose corn syrup
One huge deep fat fryer
Twenty pounds of salted butter
Half a pound of flour
Sixty-four pounds of potatoes
Box of salt
One Brussel sprout
One Glock 19 with 200 rounds of 9x19mm parabellum hollowpoint ammunition
One large bottle of Jack Daniels whisky
Take the turkey and stuff it with the bag of white sugar. Heat the fryer and when the fat is bubbling, immerse the turkey in the fryer for 4 hours or until thoroughly greasy and the flesh has an oiled-parchment consistency
Use the butter and flour to make a pastry shell. Blind-bake the pastry until the butter is golden. Remove from oven, add the three pecans, cover with the eight gallons of high fructose corn syrup. Bake for 30 minutes. Serve cold with one large can of spray-on whipped cream per person. Add sugar to taste.
Boil the potatoes for a day, then strain off the water. Allow to cool until you can touch the potatoes without screaming in pain. Add ten pounds of butter. Add a box of salt. Sit on the potatoes and lurch from side to side until potatoes have achieved a creamy consistency. In the event some of the potato finds its way up into your rear passage, consider this a healthy potato colonic cleanse. Squeeze out and blend in with the rest of the potato before serving.
Roast the Brussel sprout on the grill in the back yard. Place on a paper plate. Put in the center of the table where everyone can see it. Discard after the meal is concluded.
Load the extended magazine (24 round capacity) and insert into the Glock. Pull back the slide to chamber the first round. Wait until everyone has consumed enough food to render them immobile and largely insensible (warning: this may be difficult to ascertain as they may be largely insensible in everyday life). Take the Glock in your dominant hand, grasp the Jack Daniels bottle in your other hand, quickly drink all the contents, and then proceed to shoot everyone else in the room.
Congratulations! You have now successfully concluded your Authentic American Holiday Experience.