How to Have All the Sex You Want

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It’s a familiar problem: most people aren’t getting as much sex as they want.

Fortunately, there’s a solution.

No need to read all those glossy magazine articles about Ten Ways to Drive Your Lover Crazy in Bed and Seven Sure-Fire Sex Tips That Will Have Them Begging For More!!

No need to spend a fortune on self-improvement routines, clothes, and accoutrements.

No need for cosmetic surgery or expensive dental work.

No need to worry whether or not even wanting to have sex is Politically Incorrect these days.

No need to worry if you’re too fat or too thin, too short or too tall, or whether your genitalia are sufficiently aesthetic.

No need to worry if your non-existent deity will impose some non-existent punishment on you for having perfectly natural sexual feelings.

Now you can have all the sex you want, by taking one simple step:

Stop wanting sex.

Yes, it really is that simple. Why struggle with seemingly endless difficulties and inevitable disappointments when you can just give up?

Remember the Aesop’s Fable about the fox that wanted to eat some grapes? The poor fox was frustrated for a long, long time until he discovered the wisdom of giving up. Then it was easy: those grapes were almost certainly sour anyway, and who wants sour grapes?

Now it’s important to realize we’re not talking about abstinence here. Abstinence is when you still want sex but you’re not letting yourself have it. And that’s just not good enough. What we require is total aversion to sex.

Fortunately that’s easy to accomplish with our Five Steps to Happiness™ program.

To follow our program all you’ll need are the following household items:

· An adjustable wrench

· A long spiky cactus

· A cattle prod

· A hammer

· Photographs of truly repulsive people (Donald Trump, Mitch McConnell, and a couple of females we can’t name because of Political Correctness)

Take these items into your bedroom. Make sure no one else is at home.

Now begin to think about whatever it is that usually arouses you sexually.

As soon as you begin to feel arousal, place the open wrench around your penis (if male) or around your clitoris (if female). Tighten until there is sufficient pain to make you want to vomit. Tighten more until you actually do vomit.

That’s Day One.

For Day Two, place the cactus on a firm base and strap it to a chair. Now think again about whatever it is that usually arouses you sexually. Just as you’re starting to feel frisky, impale yourself on the cactus. This should cause tearing and rectal bleeding and extreme discomfort. Now apply the wrench as per Day One.

For Day Three, perform Day One and Day Two exercises and once you’re feeling truly wretched, apply the cattle prod to your swollen mangled genitals. Repeat until the pain causes you to lose consciousness.

For Day Four, repeat as per day Three. Just before losing consciousness, hit yourself hard on your shins with the hammer, ideally hard enough to cause fractures.

For Day Five (note: Days may not be consecutive due to periods of hospitalization) sit on the chair with the various items spread around you and within easy reach. Contemplate the pictures of Trump, McConnell, et al. At this point you should feel nothing but nausea and incipient emesis and have no awareness of any sexual desire whatsoever.

Congratulations! You’ve reached your goal. You no longer want to have sex.

And this means, from now on you’ll be happy getting all the sex you want, which is zero.

Post-Scriptum: should you diligently follow the exercises prescribed above and find that they actually intensify your sexual arousal and desire, you should go immediately to the nearest Republican Party office and register as a candidate for the next Congressional elections.

Anyone who enjoys my articles here on Medium may be interested in my books Why Democracy Failed and The Praying Ape, both available from Amazon.

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