How to Know If You’re Ready for a Threesome

Ready for three?

Quite a few people fantasize about having a threesome. Most men seem to fixate on the idea of being with two women, and I’ve known a great many women who fantasize about being with two or three men simultaneously.

I also know from a significant amount of personal experience that threesomes, foursomes, and sometimes moresomes can with the right mix of people be incredible: highly erotic, highly pleasurable, and emotionally rewarding in surprising ways.

On the other hand, if you’re not truly ready for the experience, threesomes can also be awkward, uncomfortable, and regrettable.

Given that a lot of people fantasize about having a threesome and it can become a go-to fantasy that reliably delivers fantastic orgasms, how can you tell if it’s truly something you should attempt or if it’s something that should be deferred to some possible future occurrence?

Over the years I’ve learned there are usually some tell-tale signs that can help you decide.

It’s important to realize that it doesn’t matter how exciting the idea seems nor how frequently you think about it. These are indicators of how appealing the fantasy is, not indicators of whether or not you’re ready to try it in real life.

The first indicator is your motivation. If you’re contemplating a threesome because your partner wants it and you don’t want to disappoint them, that’s not the ideal reason to proceed. For a threesome to work, everyone involved has to want it for themselves. Sure, there are occasions when someone gets into a threesome to please their partner and discovers they actually love it, but there are far more occasions where things end poorly. So be honest with yourself, be sure you want to do it because you want to do it, not because you want to please your partner or not disappoint them or to live up to some external expectation.

The second indicator is control. Think very, very carefully about this. Talk about your ground rules. Who’s going to be allowed to do what with whom? If you end up with more than two or three hard rules, chances are you’re not truly ready. A threesome is an organic entanglement, spontaneity is key, and if you’ve compiled a laundry-list of ground rules with your partner, that’s almost certainly an indicator that deep down one or both of you is not ready for the real thing.

The third indicator is jealousy. How do you really truly feel about the idea of seeing your partner totally getting off on being with a third person? Remember, it’s usually the case that we respond more powerfully to new experiences than to familiar experiences, so no matter how great the sex is between you and your partner, it will likely be more powerful for them with the third person. How do you feel about that?

The fourth indicator is insecurity. If you’re a heterosexual couple and you’re contemplating adding a second guy, what if his cock is much larger than the one that’s presently getting all the action? If you’re thinking of adding another woman, what if she’s prettier, more slender, has firmer boobs, etc.? Be really honest here. Unless you’re truly fine with the idea that comparisons have no place in a threesome, don’t proceed. And if you start worrying about abandonment, that maybe your partner will run off with the third person if the sex with them is great, then it’s almost certain you should hold off until such worries aren’t such a significant factor.

The fifth indicator is the perceived degree of difficulty. Sure, it’s infinitely easier to arrange a MFM than a FMF; that’s just a fact of life. But if you find yourself becoming bogged down in an apparent morass of logistical issues about location and timing and personality and hygiene and before-and-after and it all starts to feel impossible, this is a very clear indicator that you’re over-thinking things and therefore you’re not really ready.

If you can move through this period of assessment and you feel that yes, you both are truly ready and excited by the idea, then it’s good to create some structure for emotional stability.

Talk about how you’ll initiate the opportunity. Who will be responsible for which aspects of the process? How will you transition from possibility to reality? How will you check in with each other during the event itself? And how will you reconnect as a couple after the threesome is over?

Even better if you can do some basic scenario planning such as: what will you do if things start to go awry? How will you recover from any unintentional issues like premature ejaculation, inability to perform, sudden excess of emotion, a fit of the giggles, something feeling uncomfortable physically, or a spur-of-the-moment desire to try something you’d not previously considered?

Working through these scenarios will help build your confidence as a couple and may also uncover areas you hadn’t previously thought about.

The person you bring into your relationship needs to be as ready for the experience as you are, and you should probably talk to them about many of the areas mentioned above so as to be sure everyone has the same understanding. Sure, this doesn’t sound very sexy but it can be a flirty erotic conversation if handled with grace and can contribute to the build-up before the big event.

Finally, as you all think through the kinds of activities you’d enjoy, be sure to keep the threesome front and center. In a lot of porn the third person is almost supernumerary, at best helping the core action between the other two. This is not the way good threesomes really work with real people in real life. Although there may be times in a FMF threesome where the two women want to spend time on each other while the guy takes a break and watches, in general everyone should be intimately involved almost all of the time. Anyone left on the outside looking in will likely get hurt feelings unless their big thing is simply being a voyeur.

A threesome can be a hugely pleasurable and life-enhancing experience, especially if everyone cares about everyone else involved. The human brain is pretty good at keeping track of sensory inputs from one other person, but when four hands, two mouths, and various other bodily parts are doubled-up, the brain melts into a puddle of pleasure. There are more possibilities with three than with two, and many of those possibilities are more intense than anything we can otherwise experience.

Seeing your partner in the throes of passion with someone else can make them more desirable and precious to you. Equally you can become more desirable and precious to them for precisely the same reason. We thrive on novelty, on having a certain separation that is often lost when two people live together and deal with the hassles of daily life together over extended periods of time. A threesome can reinvigorate your sex life, extend it, and bring you closer together.

But only if you’re really ready for it.

Anyone who enjoys my articles here on Medium may be interested in my books Why Democracy Failed and The Praying Ape, both available from Amazon.

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