Humans: Collect The Set!

Amaze and delight your family and friends with these cute little Sol-3 monkeys

Image credit: rmcg on Reddit

When they aren’t killing each other in a variety of inventive ways, poisoning themselves by consuming toxic slop, or rotting their tiny ape-brains by gawping at a never-ending stream of mindless entertainments, humans love to collect things in the same way that stationary objects, if not frequently cleaned, collect dust. Formerly popular activities have included stamp collecting, assembling full sets of baseball cards, and (for women of a certain age) collecting things like ceramic cats or hand-painted ceramic owls. More recently, humans have rushed out to collect pet rocks, cabbage patch dolls, and various overpriced tiny plastic toys associated with Japanese anime characters.

This leads us to conclude that collecting humans is therefore not only ethical but also culturally appropriate (to use a phrase currently in vogue among certain humans at this point in the timeline of the species).

While each of us will doubtless choose a particular theme to guide our collection, we can suggest a few basic categories as a starting-point.

Starting at the very bottom of the heap, we have The Bigot. While all humans are mentally retarded, the Bigot is especially unfortunate when it comes to neural deficiency. The Bigot embraces simplistic soundbites and imagines these constitute an “opinion” by means of which actions can be justified. Bigots are basically morons and are instantly recognizable by the fact they tend to be obese, dull-eyed, and eagerly vote for contemporary populist causes such as Trump, Brexit, and various neo-fascist political Parties around the globe. Our recommended box set contains one Bigot and one human identified by bigot dogma as Today’s Feared & Hated Enemy. You will be assured several time units of amusement until, inevitably, the Bigot suffers either a colossal cardiac explosion or an aneurism. Either way, the grand finale will be worth watching.

Just remember to clean the habitat afterward.

Speaking of having to clean things up, we come to the topic of human politics, which is the highly amusing way these funny little apes attempt to organize their larger-scale policies. Formerly, entertainers and politicians…