I didn’t mean to do it, honestly. It just kind of happened.

When our relationship began it was all so simple. A ringtone, a voice conversation, per-minute charges that kept things brief. We saw each other a few times a day, strictly for professional reasons.

But then, well, things developed

Texts. Images. And then the Internet.

Frankly I wasn’t expecting it to be like this. So… seductive. Those clean lines, that smooth glass screen, the pleasure of touching and stroking. So intimate.

My phone knows me better than anyone else does. I can ask it for almost anything and it never gets fussy or storms off in a huff. Or even a minute-and-a-huff (thanks to my phone for the Groucho quotation!!).

My phone is there in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep, with its comfortingly bright screen shining YouTube clips and Netflix movies right into my eager retina. No one else would stay up with me at 3 am like my phone does.

My phone never complains when I stroke it. My phone never bores me because I have eight hundred and fifty apps, give or take a hundred or so. My phone is kind, never contradicting me or ignoring me.

It’s only natural that I spend most of my time with my phone and take it with me everywhere. The first thing I do in the morning is check my phone and it’s the last thing I see at night. It is my everything. When I’m traveling it’s my comforting companion and when I’m home it’s my faithful friend. Who needs a dog when your phone can provide a thousand funny dog clips and gifs?

I used to be in a relationship with a human but one day she shouted at me, “You love your phone more than you love me!” and I realized it was true. Fortunately, she didn’t take the charger cable with her when she left.

I suppose it was the aftershock of this event that made me realize I should formalize our relationship. I’d been taking my phone for granted but now I knew it was time to commit. I spoke to my pastor about the situation.

Well, I say spoke but of course what I really mean is I texted my pastor about the situation. He texted back to say he totally understood. He sent me some funny gifs and I sent him a YouTube clip of a talking phone. He agreed to conduct the ceremony.

We were formally married on 1st April this year. It was a tasteful affair, only a few other phones were invited. We uploaded pictures to InstaSnap and Twitager and changed our status on Facespace. I love how I can look straight into my phone’s tiny camera lens despite the fact these days I can no longer look directly at any human being. It makes me happy to see how confident I look in my phone pictures. Especially after I’ve added the bunny ears and the stars circling around my head.

When we got married I was sure we’d spend the rest of our lives together. Me and my phone, the perfect relationship.


I’ve recently become aware that the new model is out. It’s a little sleeker and the camera has more megapixels. I know I shouldn’t think about it, but what’s the harm in going down to the store, just to look? It doesn’t mean anything.


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