I’m A Believer
Because I’ve spent much of the last thirty years deep in the world of hi-tech and I actually understand how blockchain works, I’ve spent the last few years shaking my head sadly at all the enthusiastic folk who can’t help but chant the blockchain song, wave pretty little blockchain flags, and worship the great god blockchain high up on its throne.
But now I have seen the light.
No longer do I regard blockchain as a solution to no real problem whatsoever. No longer do I consider the absurd energy usage of cryptocurrencies to be a fundamental reason why no sane person would ever imagine them to be any sort of alternative to anything whatsoever. No longer do I point out that blockchain solves no problems but creates plenty.
No. Now I am a convert, a True Believer. Because I have realized that blockchain is not a technology. Blockchain is the best religion that’s ever been invented.
The gospel of blockchain tells us it came to pass that a new god stumbled across the horizon many years ago. At first, people did not see the new god, except for a few hirsute men living in the cellar of their mother’s or sister’s home. These were the Wise Men, for they immediately fell prostrate before the new god and gave themselves wholly unto its majesty.
While the rest of the world ignored them.
But then the tech journals and later still the mass media discovered the word blockchain and found that it was good. Being shrouded in mystery, its workings indecipherable by ordinary mortals, blockchain became a thing of wonder. The innocent, the naïve, the hopeful, and the unscrupulously greedy sent their money to the new god and it grew accordingly. Soon it was of such pronounced girth that many more people turned to it, knowing now that it was truly the new god. And so blockchain came to be, and being was good.
Fortunately for all those who worship at the altar of blockchain, cryptocurrencies are not its only game. Verily, blockchain can be applied to absolutely every aspect of life. Indeed, the less one knows about blockchain the easier it is to see applications for it.
And so blockchain will replace steel, for automobiles will be constructed lovingly from blockchain and aluminum will be discarded and cast into the abyss for all aircraft will likewise be fashioned only from pure and untarnished blockchain.
McBlock will serve blockchain meals and as each new customer eagerly buys one, the meals will swell through the powerful magic of blockchain juju until everyone is hyper-obese and their bowels are truly blocked forever.
Why be content with a boring ticket to see a movie or to get on an airplane when you can have a blockchain instead? Sure, your smartphone will need 64GB RAM and a battery the size of your automobile in order to participate in the ever-growing blockchain and all the lovely proof of work it demands, but that’s a very small (actually huge) price to pay for being able to worship the one true god.
Just imagine the joy in your children’s eyes when they see that you’ve got them blockchain for Christmas! Ho ho ho and oh my god, look at our electricity bill! But what’s a few thousand dollars per month in comparison to the pleasure of seeing your children so happy? At least, happy until they discover there’s no money for food. But fleshly things are of no consequence when blockchain rules the Earth.
Best of all, you can grow your own blockchain in your own back yard! Yes, blockchain can be planted next to runner beans and carrots and will in the course of a few short months grow 10,000%. Because blockchain is powerful magic.
NASA is racing to establish the first blockchain on Mars. Jacques Cousteau, were he still alive, would at this very minute be filming his efforts to establish blockchain in the Mariana Trench. Move aside, Edmund Hillary and Norgay Tenzin; the first blockchain to summit Mt Everest is on its way!
Blockchain will soon be an Olympic sport, and the US Airforce is studying ways to make the F-22 Raptor blockchain-enabled. Baskin-Robbins has announced it is proudly selling 31 flavors of blockchain, and honey-coated deep-fried blockchain is now a staple of Southern cooking thanks to the valiant efforts of Paula Deen.
The Library of Congress is being put into blockchain, and some people hope that Donald Trump, a televised moron and erstwhile promoter of civil war, will simply be put on the block in chains.
H&R Block has reported that its first quarter revenues have grown by 32,000% thanks to their marketing department inserting the word chain at the end of the company’s corporate logo.
As the cult of blockchain grows it’s becoming increasingly common to see blockchain devotees chaining themselves to apartment blocks, office blocks, and (embarrassingly) Lego blocks in the hope of becoming one with their god. Hospitals are offering injections of blockchain, while Canadian pharmacies are reporting bumper sales of prescription blockchain being shipped south to clamoring US residents who are capitalizing on the fact that Canadian blockchain is 20% cheaper than US blockchain, the price of which is governed by Federal procurement legislation.
Many people are buying facemasks in order to protect their blockchain from covid-19, which itself will soon be made of blockchain. Netflix executives are said to be commissioning forty-nine feature-length movies about blockchain and various A-list stars have been spotted at rehab centers learning how to pronounce the word blockchain in a manner they hope will land them parts.
Not surprisingly, the US Army has commissioned a $97 billion study on how to convert the M4 carbine to fire blockchain at the enemy while generals at the Pentagon are trying to work out how to reconstruct the building to resemble a blockchain — an effort made problematic by the fact that no one knows what a blockchain looks like. It’s rumored that Lego is bidding for the $900 billion contract, claiming it’s got proprietary knowledge of how blocks are constructed.
Various TV shows are being filmed, such as Desperate Blockchains of Beverly Hills and Game of Blockchains. These productions, however, are being picketed by devotees who say that Hollywood is cheapening blockchain by commercializing it. Therapists have been dispatched to the scene.
Pediatricians are recommending parents give their babies blockchain to help settle them down for bedtime, and teens have propelled the must-play videogame Call Of Blockchain to the top of the sales charts. Dentists are now replacing veneers with blockchain, and the Rolling Stones are planning to re-record all their hit songs with the word blockchain inserted so as to generate another $2 billion to fund Keith’s ongoing rehabilitation and pay for Mick’s latest wife’s junior college fees.
For my part, now that I’m a True Believer, I have registered myself as a 503c charitable religious corporation and have established the Church of the Sacred Blockchain. All are welcome here. We are a multi-denominational church, open to tens, twenties, fifties, and hundreds. Just don’t try paying in a blockchain cryptocurrency — that would be blasphemy (and besides, we prefer currencies that won’t shrivel and then turn to dust, like a withered tulip bulb, sometime in the next few years).
All hail blockchain. The one true god.