A quick look at the situation around the world

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Image credit: The Atlantic

Today a minority group calling themselves Thoughtful British Citizens (TBC UK) announced that Prime Minister Boris Johnson, the man responsible for spreading so much Brexit contagion across the United Kingdom and thus causing incalculable harm to tens of millions of people, has been placed in social isolation at an unknown location. TBC UK has said it will ensure that Johnson, who has suffered from Compulsive Lying Disorder since birth, will be restrained for as long as necessary from infecting anyone else, which will be at least the next forty years. The value of British shares and the UK Pound rose steeply within minutes of the announcement being made.

Meanwhile in the USA, with epidemiological data showing that the old and flabby are most at risk from covid-19, Vice-President Pence, who continues to claim he has “no interest whatsoever” in assuming the Presidency himself, was filmed escorting several coughing and wheezing visitors into the Oval Office for a special prayer meeting with the Presidential imbecile. This caused some difficulty with regards to “social distancing” because Melania Trump was already in the room with her own group of shivering and coughing visitors eager to shake hands with her husband. In other news, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell was seen in the company of several athletic and scantily-clad young men, taking a “debriefing” on activities to undertake while self-isolating at the local country club along with the rest of his GoP friends.

In the Philippines, President Duterte issued orders to his paramilitary gangs to shoot anyone seen drinking Corona beer. After being informed that the beer was likely non-infectious, Duterte amended his order to: “Shoot everyone who looks like they may get sick sometime.”

From the Kremlin, President-for-Life Vladimir (“just call me Tzar, it’s quicker”) Putin announced today that Russia is safe from the coronavirus because it’s a disease resulting from democracy, and as he’s eradicated all traces of democracy from Russia he’s consequently saved the nation from infection by malicious Western health problems. Advising Russians to remain indoors and strangle anyone who looks as if they may try to exercise independent thought, Putin told a worried nation that so long as he’s in charge (which he will be forever, if not longer) then Russia will continue to be the greatest nation on Earth.

Speaking from a balcony in the Vatican, Pope Francis said that he is praying for everyone in the world to avoid using condoms as a way to avoid viral infection. Covid-19, he said, is part of god’s plan to turn us from the sins of the modern world and return us to former verities and highly localized supply chains that are more susceptible to “influence by certain interested parties.” Leading members of the mafia, the cosa nostra, and the ‘ndrangheta later appeared on Silvio Berlusconi’s national television network to endorse the Pope’s message.

In Delhi, Prime Minister Narendra Modi blamed “Muslims and other non-Hindu eaters of the sacred cow” for the outbreak of covid-19 in India and encouraged “all good Hindus” to massacre anyone who didn’t vote for the BJP in the last national elections. Speaking to an audience of an estimated 500 million citizens, Modi explained that washing one’s hands in the blood of non-Hindus was scientifically proven to be more effective than using soap and water to remove potential viral infection. Immediately following Modi’s broadcast, which he concluded with an appeal for national unity, more than twenty-eight million Muslims were slaughtered by irate Hindu nationalists, which BJP-supporting media organizations quickly hailed as “a very small price to pay for the quick eradication of this deadly infection.”

Addressing the Chinese people from Tiananmen Square in Bejing, President Xi Jinping announced that “the Chinese Way” has resulted in zero new cases of coronavirus being detected in the last week. Chinese factories are being re-opened in order to minimize economic impact and Chinese workers are being urged to return to their places of work. Xi told his people that the defeat of covid-19 was due to “resolute action with Chinese characteristics” and that it was clear from examples in Italy and the USA that failed Western democracies cannot provide their citizens with security and safety. Only the Chinese Model can protect people from threats and difficulties, and only Xi himself can ensure that the Chinese Model continues to function perfectly. In little-reported news from elsewhere, it appears that cases of infection and death from insufficient patriotism are growing throughout China, but officials say these cases of sickness have absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with the now-defeated and entirely absent covid-19.

To end this brief roundup of world news, Deepak Chopra used a Webex conference yesterday to launch his new bestseller Seven Habits Of Highly Effective Panickers which has already sold out of its initial two-million-copies print run as people stockpile books in case they need to burn paper in order to keep themselves warm next winter.

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