Life Extensions R Us
Everlasting life delivered: our 2041 Annual Report
Dear Shareholders, as you will see in the Financial Section of this, our fifth Annual Report, Life Extensions R Us is going from strength to strength.
Which is, admittedly, the opposite of what all our wonderful customers are doing. But let’s not get bogged down in arguing over who’s getting better than who, as dear Jeremy Clarkson would undoubtedly say, were he able to speak to us today instead of being in a vegetative state and resting peacefully in one of our Eternal Care facilities.
And speaking of dear Jeremy, after the success of Top Gear, Grand Tour, and Clarkson’s Farm, who can be surprised that Clarkson’s Open-Heart Surgery, Clarkson’s Type II Diabetes, and Clarkson’s Intravenous Drip have been smash-hit successes for Amazon’s Past-Your-Prime streaming video service?
When it comes to success, however, even Jeremy Clarkson can’t compete with our track record. Since our oversubscribed IPO back in 2033, our share price has quintrupled. Through our laser-like focus on enabling people to fulfill their true potential, we’ve become the dominant player in the life-extension market segment and now operate in over twenty countries. We have more than five hundred million customers. We call them our Subscription Customers, as the term active customers would be inappropriate.
