Local newspaper vows to get to the bottom of things
Kansas City Reporter, February 10th 2022
For days now, Kansas City residents have been talking about nothing else but the rumor that FBI agents were involved in the abduction and subsequent probing of Billy-Joe McIntyre, a well-known local Caucasian man aged seventy-four. According to a deposition sworn by Billy-Joe in front of three of his drinking buddies, he was seized by four FBI agents as he left the Green Coyote saloon at 02.27 on the morning of 2nd February this year.
The agents hustled him into an unmarked black SUV and drove him away at speed. In his deposition Billy-Joe states that “There was a lot of speed, I can tell you. Also maybe some coke.” A later statement by the local Bureau Chief Felicity D. Straction clarified: It is not uncommon for our agents to drink caffeinated beverages while on stake-outs, in order to stay awake on duty for long hours at a time. The Bureau denies, however, that it was in any way involved in the alleged incident reported by Mr. McIntyre.
Some time later, the agents reached an undisclosed location and Billy-Joe was handed to another group of agents who took him into a secure facility where the alleged probing took place. According to Billy-Joe, “They kept saying my name was Jose Mercantor and that I was an illegal alien. But if you ask me, they were the illegal ones. It ain’t right that no American citizen should have his credentials thoroughly examined like I did. They were insinuating all kinds of stuff that night, I can tell you! And their hands were damn’ cold.”
According to a statement released by Bureau Chief Straction earlier today: On the night in question, Federal agents may have acted lawfully to apprehend the suspect and detain him for questioning regarding certain matters of interest. If this did in fact occur (a determination yet to be established), at no time would the agents have behaved in an inappropriate manner, and at no time would any physical contact between the agents and the suspect have been of an explicitly sexual nature. At certain stages in the proceedings, if at some future time they should be found to have occurred, the special agent in charge could have indicated that the suspect could be withholding critical evidence due to insufficiently dedicated interrogation techniques, and these techniques may have been consequently rectified. The Bureau wishes to stress that no such incident is currently known to have occurred and therefore all speculation regarding the incident is premature at this time.
In today’s press conference, Billy-Joe’s acting attorney Blind Jeremy Rootbeer asked, “If them agents were so keen on doing cavity searches to supposedly look for evidence then how come they didn’t search his teeth? My client has enough cavities there to keep a team of agents and a cut-price dentist busy for days! And what is it with the cheap-assed stuff they’re buying these days? There were eight agents that night, each one had a bodycam, and according to the FBI every single one of those cameras was inoperative. Time we started buying from China, if you ask me. I bet their bodycams work real good!”
As we went to press, the FBI was still refusing to explain precisely what crime may have been under investigation. Nor would the FBI comment on suggestions that a toxic combination of agents binge-watching every episode of the X-Files plus the disappearance of a significant quantity of narcotics from the Bureau’s evidence room contributed to a clear case of mistaken identity and the unfortunate series of events that subsequently unfolded, culminating in the repeated probing of the suspect.
One agent, speaking on strict conditions of anonymity, however, told us that “The truth, unfortunately, really is totally out there.”