How every crisis is also an opportunity
Now that we’re all scared out of our wits by a 7/24 diet of sensationalist “news” from the mass media which is further amplified by the inept attempts of ignorant politicians to appear “responsive,” it’s pretty clear that we’re in for a prolonged period of mass hysteria from which, as one would expect of mindless panic, many good things will surely flow.
One of those good things will be new opportunities for love.
Yes, that’s right: the COVID-19 virus means we’re now entering a new Golden Age of romance.
Back in the old days (about two months ago, for anyone who’s able to remember that far back) people had to invest a lot of money, time, and emotional effort in the search for True Love, or even True Enough For Just Now Love. Today, thanks to mass hysteria, everything has changed.
No longer does the guy have to book a table at a nice restaurant in order to woo the lady; today, merely posting a selfie wherein he’s holding a pristine roll of toilet paper is sufficient to attract significant attention. And as all the restaurants are closed in order to ensure “social distancing,” the clever prepper with a lifetime’s supply of freeze-dried food sachets now has a strong card to play in the dating game.
Even better, in our modern world of chronic ill-health due to continuously poor lifestyle choices, the C-19 virus grants us the boon of a level playing field. No longer will the few slender people have an unfair advantage over the rest of us. Now that we’ll all be wearing hazmat suits, we’ll all look more or less the same. And with our faces covered with surgical masks, who will ever know about the unsightly features that lurk beneath?
Thanks to COVID-19 we no longer need invest in new clothes in order to look slightly less as if we’ve been living in a dumpster for the last eighteen months. Those sexy hazmat suits, in their attractive one-size-fits-all, ensure that dressing to attract is a thing of the past. No longer will a French-brand polo shirt or an Italian pair of pants make the difference between romantic success and failure.
But wait, I hear you cry!
Even if we can attract potential partners thanks to the C-19 hysteria, how will we consummate the relationship?
Surely social distancing means that physical intimacy will henceforth be impossible?
Not at all, thanks to my new invention: the Virus-Proof Intimacy Chamber™.
Here’s how it works: a team of highly trained workers dressed in mandatory hazmat suits and wearing milspec respirators will come to your home and install the VPIC at a midway point in your bedroom. The VPIC comprises a floor-to-ceiling panel of clear Perspex into which a small hole has been cut at groin height (in the event you’re shorter than average, we also can sell you a small virus-free platform on which to stand; if you’re taller than average we can sell you a manual explaining how to bend your knees in a virus-free manner). Attached to the hole is a virus-proof tear-proof plastic sleeve into which one’s organ of generation or sex toy or hand can be placed.
If you’ve ever seen a TV show or movie in which a scientist handles dangerous material in a lab isolation chamber, you’ll get the general picture.
For romantic encounters, one partner occupies the bedroom on one side of the VPIC and bends over, their rear towards the Perspex sheet, while on the other side the other partner inserts Mister Happy or another item of personal choice. The rest is up to you. For same-sex partners, the plastic sleeve is fully reversible.
We advise making small openings in your hazmat suits for optimal functionality, and then sealing these openings afterward with our special Hazmat Sealant Duct Tape for only $299.99 per roll plus tax.
The good news is that we’re making the VPIC available on a first-come, first-served basis for only $2,999.95 plus tax plus installation fee plus mandatory no-liability insurance. But hurry! Stocks are limited and we’ll soon be sold out!
Some may say that this is a cynical attempt to cash in on the current mass hysteria.
To which we say, “pish” and “posh” and possibly also “pshaw.”
We are offering, at great psychological cost to ourselves, a public service intended to ease the emotional impact of the current global health crisis. What could be more honorable than that?
So hurry! Get your Virus-Proof Intimacy Chamber™ now while stocks last!
In a world of media-induced mass hysteria, let’s all profit from the opportunities it confers.