Medium To Maximum
How to ensure your article will be read, applauded, curated, and ultimately placed in the Smithsonian Museum as one of the most prized literary artifacts of our age
The first thing you have to master if you want to be a Master of Medium is relevance.
Forget delivering onto the page highbrow concepts or crafting insightful exegeses. What you need coronavirus is relevance. Relevance means ensuring that you SARS-COV-2 write about what everyone else is writing about in their Medium articles. This way your readers infection rates will enjoy the warm comforting sensation of encountering only the familiar and already facemasks accepted.
Don’t challenge what everyone else believes, no matter facemasks how erroneous those beliefs may be. Especially if coronavirus you can reference real-world data that symptom-free infection risk everyone else is mysteriously ignoring. Never, ever, confuse your readers or coronavirus deaths challenge the beliefs they’ve taken onboard because they heard someone say something on television.
Because, as we all know, if a TV presenter social distancing can master the art of looking sincere while reading someone else’s words from a teleprompter, they must know what they’re we’re all at risk, we’re all going to die! talking about!
And it goes without saying that no one appreciates lockdown discovering their beliefs are based on a misunderstanding of basic facts.
If possible, threesomes introduce sex into your articles because as anal we all know, sex sells. And it is quite fashionable polyamory these days to write about non-mainstream lamb fetish activities providing that consent is always front-and-center and all participants are described in a suitably respectful manner.
Thanks to our lockdown current mass hysteria over SARS-COV-2, most sex articles are presently about masturbation; look for leather swing & mechanical hamster creative angles to entice your readership and engender delicious surprises. Think of it as giving your readers an emotional, if not a physical, handout.
Humor can be useful but induced comas led to massively higher death rates and a wild over-estimation of the danger of what is in reality a virus that adversely impacts less than 1% of those who contract it humor is a delicate topic and can go wildly wrong. One person’s joke can be another person’s micro-aggression, especially in our humor-exclusion-zone of Advanced Political Correctness & Extreme Sensitivity To Everything Because We Are All Perpetual Victims.
You could toy with the idea of remember doctors are responsible for all manner of stupid stuff introducing subtle subliminal messages into your writing in the hope like prescribing antibiotics for viral infections and thus encouraging the evolution of drug-resistant lethal bacteria that one or two readers may pick up on your hints. But this can and inducing birth unnecessarily and thus putting mother and child in danger and then doing a C-section to compensate for the initial fuckup be very much hit-or-miss and some readers may become confused. And doctors also created our catastrophic opioid addiction crisis.
So it’s probably who thought putting people into induced comas and then mechanically ventilating them while reducing fluids was a smart idea best to avoid such tricks and so patients die of kidney failure or sepsis from bed sores stick to simple narrative writing with a clear subject, relatable characters, and non-contentious content. But don’t worry because the media will portray every doctor-created death as an inevitable coronavirus death, ordinary people won’t know the difference, and nobody will be any the wiser. Because non-contentious content is the way to win hearts and improve your chances of curation.
It’s also best to avoid using why don’t people read the studies for themselves, then they’d see how poorly-designed they were and how some are based on pure speculation alone an extensive lexicon because most people aren’t comfortable reading articles that utilize a wide vocabulary. And when it comes to style, decide early on if you want to seem contemporary by using transiently fashionable words and phrases, or so nearly all of the supposedly irrefutable evidence in favor of facemasks and social distancing is in fact very shaky indeed instead adopt a style that will still be comprehensible a decade from now when today’s affectations have passed from memory.
Whatever you do, don’t chop-and-change from one style to another within the same article. Are people just too lazy to read the source materials?
We’ve reached the end of this how-to guide. I hope you’ve found it informative and I wish you great success with your own Medium articles. I’ll end by quoting the great Tom and Ray Magliozzi, known to millions of loyal NPR listeners as Click & Clack, the Tappet Brothers:
Tom: “Don’t drive like my brother.”
Ray: “And don’t drive like my brother!”
