Mister Hillier Goes To Washington
A verbal history of the very near future
Danny Arkenblight, 57, former steelworker
“Well, hey now, I mean, who wouldn’t vote for the best president in history, am I right? I mean, hey, look what he accomplished in his first term! He defeated socialism! He put the economy back on the right track! He sure taught a lesson to all those foreigner countries that were taking advantage of us thanks to the Demo-rats giving away everything we had. I mean, nobody said it would be easy, and sure, I’m a father too, but hey, those illegal rapist alien children invading our great nation, I mean, something had to be done, am I right? And why should the hard-working tax dollars of people like me, I mean, when I had a job, pay so mexispanic kids can lounge around all day eating food I paid for when there’s a way for them to contribute to this great country? I mean, you know, sure, hey, it may sound bad to some namby-pamby libruls and pointy-head traitors who hate our great nation, but, I mean, mexispanic kids make great compost and remember: they’re not our kids we’re talking about here. We’re not talking about American kids. You gotta remember that, right?”
Suzie Chantprayer, 61, former County Sheriff administrative clerk
“Oh, why did I vote for President Hillier? That’s easy! As the Bible says: the USA is the Promised Land. And what did the Jews do when they reached the Promised Land? Did they try to socialize medicine and teach kids to read? No sir, they did not! They cleared that Promised Land. Samson slaughtered the Philistines with the righteous jawbone and Joshua brought those walls of Jericho tumblin’ down! You gotta clean your house before it’s fit to live in, yes sir, you surely do. Nobody asked those Dumbocrats to come and live here, nobody asked them for their opinion. As pure clean-living Americans it was our duty to Spring Clean the Nation, just like President Hillier said, and by golly just look at us now! Like my pastor’s always saying, you can’t go making no omelettes without killing no chickens. Just stands to reason.”
Billy Dimbulb, 26, economic contributor-in-waiting
“Man, the day I touched Former President Trump’s glass sarco, sarkaf, sirkoffe, you know, the glass box he’s standing in, it was a religious experience for me. I mean, sure, we were all crying the day we learned he’d died peacefully in his sleep ’cause we thought for sure he’d become President again in 2024, especially how he was always saying so on the Trump News Channel. And sure, he did say some mean things about President Hillier back then. But then when they showed us all those great letters he’d written praising mister Hillier and saying how a President Hillier would carry on his great legacy and how the things he said against mister Hillier were really all part of a plan to fool the Demorats and how we should now all show our support for mister Hillier, well now, it was plain as day. I’m a patriot, not ashamed to say it, I love my country. It was the proudest day of my life when President Hillier showed us the new American flag with the eagle tearing the flag of socialism with its mouth and the Confederate cross under its feet. Like President Hillier said, a symbol of renewal. And man, I can’t wait for the day those jobs come back to America like President Hillier says they will one day sometime.”
Simon Ostrich, 48, general manager
“Look, I love America just as much as the next person, OK? And frankly, with the law about compulsory voting under visual supervision of armed Republican election fairness guarantors and with the requirement to put your name, social security number, address, and all your family’s members’ names and ages and social security numbers on the ballot slip, what choice did I have? So yeah, I agree, guns keep us safe and we’ve got to protect children against Satan’s wiles by making it illegal to teach science in schools. Or teach anything, in fact. Sure, climate change is a Chinese hoax to make us buy their solar panels instead of burning mexispanics like god intended. And yeah, I’m real happy that two men with AR-15s are permanently billeted in my house to keep me and my wife and our two young daughters safe from harm.”
Karen Noondrinker, home-maker and part-time realtor
“The way I see it, the best thing President Hillier did was re-unite the country. Like he said, it was nuts having two political Parties. Just like having two kids always fighting over who gets the last jelly donut. Nobody’s happy with that, just gives you a migraine. By the way, you really should try this Chardonnay. Goes great with cornflakes. Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah: re-uniting the country. And his economic stimulus program is fantastic! I mean, there we were, scraping by on my husband’s two million a year and my inheritance, seeing so much being drained away by taxes every year, it just wasn’t right. So when President Hillier campaigned on abolishing inheritance tax and cutting tax rates to one-percent for people earning more than a million a year, I knew we had a man who had the best interests of the people at heart. And he could never have done it if we’d still had that stupid two Party system and those shameless Democrats always trying to block his far-sighted actions. So now we’ve got a system that really works. President Hillier writes the laws, the Senate approves them with a hundred-percent majority, and that’s it. And I love how he turned the House of Representatives into the world’s greatest ice-cream parlor. I plan to take my kids there, if I ever have kids, that is. Oh, and here’s something else we should do: make bigger bottles of wine.”
Terri Soapwatcher, 53, former assembly-line worker
“The happiest day of my life was when President Hillier did that law that said nobody has to send their kids to school no more. All that librul nonsense about reading and stuff, putting evil into their heads. Like our pastor says, schools are the work of the devil. Did you know those Demorats created schools as part of a giant pedophile ring? Yes sir, they did just what Satan told them to do: create houses of evil to suck in our innocent children and fill their heads with lies about evil-lution and tricks with numbers bigger than ten. All just so Demorats could have sex parties with our children and corrupt them and steal their souls. When President Hillier said No More Schools I wept with joy, I surely did, and I’m not ashamed to say it. But this war ain’t over. Our pastor says Demorats are living underground, right underneath our feet! They’re scheming to dig a big hole and make us all tumble into it so they can eat the flesh from our bones and do sexual things with our children before they eat them too. Every day I pray those Demorats will die down there, stomped by the powers of righteousness. I know President Hillier will protect us from underground evil and that’s why I support everything he does for us.”
Senator Jim Boyfondler, Republican, North Dakota
“I stand behind President Adam Hillier every day, upright and proud. The thing you got to understand is that when people misuse something, you gotta take it away from them for their own good. You wouldn’t let a small child play with fire, would you? Course not! So when we passed the 28th Amendment that makes it illegal to vote for any political Party or candidate who’s not been approved by the Republican National Committee, it was to protect the people of our great nation. But it was done with all the respect and compassion we associate with our great leader. Did we execute those traitor Democrats who wanted to pull down our great country and force us to live in a socialist system? No sir, we did not. We put them in that fine converted penitentiary with plenty of razor-wire so ordinary folk can go look at them and see what happens if you try to impose socialism on the USA. Watching them beg for scraps of food and scrabble to drink from puddles when it rains, that gives people the right perspective. And when we in the Senate voted to adopt all those poor innocent children whose parents are now rightfully incarcerated, that was an act of pure kindness. And let me assure you: we’re taking very good care of all those young children the law put into our hands. Yes sir, very good care indeed.”
Jo Wordright, former social justice warrior
“Look, I could get into real trouble telling you this, but if we’d had the courage to be more radical back when it wasn’t illegal to vote Democrat, we’d have won. I mean, like we’d have really won, know what I’m saying? What we needed was a candidate who got behind policies to make old-style fascist gender-based pronouns illegal, policies for a two-hundred-per-cent tax on anybody making more than fifty thousand a year, policies to take mansions away from the rich and put poor people into them, people like me. If we’d had a candidate who’d campaigned on progressive issues like gender-neutral kindergarten education and calling all proto-citizens under the age of eighteen zzps, we’d have galvanized the progressive vote and we wouldn’t be in the mess we are today. The only hope I see for the future of America is if we embrace truly progressive policies, the kinds of policies the people will really want to vote for.”
Mark Zuckerup, CEO, RightFace Inc.
“President Hillier grokked tech, you know? I mean, like, he really grokked it. Hacked the system, broke things fast, changed the way we do politics. Awesome. Total stud. So no, I didn’t lose any sleep when he shut down Google and MSNBC and all the other socialist companies that were ruining America. Had to be done for the good of the nation. And sure, it didn’t hurt us here at RightFace that we’re now America’s only news channel and that having a RightFace account is compulsory, otherwise you go to jail for thirty years. But that’s not why I agreed to serve in President Hillier’s Cabinet as Secretary for Truth and Communications. I agreed to serve because I love America and it was the right thing to do. And you know what? Now that everyone on RightFace is pouring out their love for our great President, our content moderators aren’t stressed out like they used to be. Sure, we don’t operate in Europe anymore but frankly that’s a huge win for us. Nobody wants whining socialists on the website. And hey, Modi totally loves us in India because of our super-progressive pro-Hindu Nationalist policies. And as for those people in Canada who call me a supporter of dictatorships and tyrannies, you know what I say to them? My wife’s Chinese! Show me a country that’s less of a dictatorship than China!”
Barney Beergut, 41, construction worker
“Yeah, I love the President. Cuz he does stuff. What stuff? How the fuck should I know? Just stuff, right? Good stuff. I’m glad he won the last election cuz we’d of had a black woman otherwise, she’d of come and tooked my guns, looked at me funny like all them people do, you know, and prob’ly used some fancy words to make me feel bad. So yeah, I love the President. He does stuff.”
Adam Hillier, 47th President of the United States of America
“My fellow Americans, I speak to you not only as your President and Supreme Leader but also as a humble citizen just like you. Today, I took the difficult action necessary to ensure the safety of our great nation for generations to come. As you know, although we had our differences with the British back in the seventeen-hundreds, we’ve always respected their role as the world’s oldest parliamentary democracy. I’d be neglecting my duty as your President if I failed to heed the lesson they so recently taught us. Now, while it is true that the British economy hasn’t been doing so well since the triumph of Brexit, and while it’s true that most British people are now making do with a diet of turnips, the important thing is the golden truth they showed us. The British not so long ago taught us a great lesson regarding democracy. As the Brexiteers never ceased to tell anyone who would listen, democracy means voting once and not having the option to change your mind and vote differently later. This wonderful example provides certainty and stability during difficult times. And make no mistake, fellow citizens, these are difficult times. Astounding as it may seem, there are still groups of Democrats hiding out in the deserts and mountains of this great country who refuse to accept that I legally and legitimately won 109.84% of the vote in the last election. There are still hordes of murdering rapist mexispanic children trying to over-run our nation and live like kings on our overly-generous welfare programs. So today I passed into law the 29th Amendment which states that the results of the most recent Presidential election shall abide for all time. We have the world’s greatest democracy, you went to the polls and you cast your votes, you elected me in the greatest turnout in history and I shall in consequence be your President and Supreme Leader forever. Thank you and goodnight.”
