Mitch McConnell’s Statement
My fellow Americans, I’m proud to say that today we Republicans did our duty. Although we were faced with nearly insurmountable odds, we stuck to our principles and voted to acquit President Donald Trump.
As Republicans, our principles have always been and shall always be inviolate, rising above all the difficulties and challenges presented by any particular moment in time or series of events.
We are strongly conscious of our sacred duty as proud Americans to protect freedom and democracy wherever it is threatened. The freedom of wealthy and powerful white men to say and do whatever they want without fear of consequence, and the democracy that enables spineless flabby old men like me to be elected decade after decade by ignorant saps who are so clueless they never realize they’re being taken for an endless ride.
I am of course deeply concerned by the fact we did not stand entirely united during this most recent test. A few of us — and I will be providing the home addresses of those unpatriotic few, along with the names and addresses of their relatives and closest friends — failed to reject overwhelming evidence in favor of blatant self-interest. By so doing they violated every precept we in the Republican Party hold dear.
I am called on to remind these errant colleagues that were we ever to begin considering facts we would commence down a slippery slope that could only lead to one outcome: the collapse of the Party we love and hold so dear. If President Trump had been convicted, it would have been an admission of wrongdoing. What next? We would have seen the crazy irresponsible liberal-socialist fringe use the very same videotapes against so many of us because so many of us also encouraged all our right-thinking citizens to reject the stolen election and act patriotically in the defense of our continued clinging on to power regardless of minor inconveniences such as who actually received the most votes.
No, friends, I am pleased to say we were tested and we stood firm. We rejected the terrible notion that important white men should be held accountable. It is enough that a few nobodies are arrested and given probationary sentences and that the rest of us move on and continue to do what we’ve been doing since the end of World War II: gerrymander, lie, obstruct, and urinate all over our glorious Constitution in order to preserve white male privilege as the highest value our society can hope to aspire to.
I say this to those who stole the recent election: it’s time to come together and heal the country. It’s time for us to be united behind the Republican agenda and give up on the failed policies of socialism that, if permitted any breath of oxygen or moment of sunlight, would destroy everything we hold dear. This is no time for partisan politics. This is a time for the whole nation to embrace the values of decency and respect. Specifically: the decency to ignore all evidence that shows what a bunch of slimy vermin we are, and to respect our determination to grab whatever power we can regardless of the cost.
I know I can count on the millions of decent brainless Republican voters across the nation to vote in our self-interest and block any and all attempts to provide less inadequate healthcare for the undeserving non-rich, to provide less inadequate schooling for the undeserving non-rich, and to attempt any amelioration of our magnificently insane gun laws. I know I can count on Republican lawmakers across the nation to gerrymander, obstruct, and illegally refuse to countenance any Democratic proposals until such time as we return to our proper majority in the Senate and can do this blocking for them.
Thank you for your unthinking support during this difficult time for our President and our Party. Few men could have withstood the terrible insult of a stolen election with the grace and restraint shown by President Trump. I know you will join me in welcoming him back in 2024 when with the help of independent Russian security experts we will prevent a repeat of the scandal of November 2019. Meanwhile, vote Republican whenever the opportunity arises. Be strong, be proud, boys, stand ready and stand by. Only, the next time you storm the Capitol, please check with my secretary first to ensure I’m in Hawaii when it happens.
Mitch McConnell, Republican
Temporarily not-quite-Senate Majority Leader for the time being