Nice article, thanks for writing. In my experience you’re fairly unusual. Here’s what I’ve found pertains in about 90% of cases:

i) sub women lack adequate impulse control and while sexual submission is highly erotic the overwhelming desire is for someone to control all aspects of their lives as they feel they can’t do this job for themselves.

ii) dom men are compensating for feelings of powerlessness elsewhere in their lives; furthermore a great many are into the accoutrements and techniques rather than into sexual activity per se; bondage/ritual becomes a surrogate for scary sexual intimacy.

The good news is that around 10% of the time these conditions don’t pertain, so while it’s very difficult to find the right person or people with whom to explore it’s not entirely impossible. Patience and a considerable amount of luck can eventually result in the most amazing opportunities for mutual exploration, discovery, and bliss.