NRA Explains Colorado Supermarket Shooting
Hi there good folks, my name’s Wayne LaPierre and I’m here to explain to all of you why our great National Rifle Association is protecting your right to be killed by any random moron who can get their hands on a weapon. Now first off, we all know that guns don’t kill people. Fact is, in all of history there’s never been a single case of a gun killing anybody. No sir, not one. It’s people who kill people, plain and simple. So if we want to stop people from dying we gotta get rid of all the people. And it’s the freedom-loving gun-carrying patriots of the USA who are in the forefront of this brave effort.
Now you may have seen something on the fake news about an active shooter gunning down ten people in a supermarket in Colorado the other day. Well let me tell you, that’s just another example of how the liberal media twists everything out of shape to suit their own elitist agenda and help Bill Gates microchip us all. This is why it’s so very important for you to keep donating to the NRA so we can preserve American liberty and my seven-figure income. If we allow the liberals to come and steal away our guns there’s nothing to stop them imposing socialism in our fine land. And what would that mean? Why, it would mean the end of the USA as we know it! Just think: free effective health care for all, decent schools, and no more horrific gun violence! Frankly I just can’t imagine living in such a nightmare world.
Now let’s take ourselves a little look at what really happened in that Colorado supermarket. First off, a fine American patriot walks into a store proudly exercising his right to bear arms and keep us all free from tyranny. Then what happens? Just as he’s checking his firearm is working properly, a mentally unstable supermarket employee throws herself in front of his bullets. Now I ask you: is a fine patriot to blame if some crazed minimum-wage employee goes and throws herself intentionally into the path of his lawful discharge? No sir, he is most definitely not to blame. We can all see that.
Then we have to account for the fact that the supermarket was negligent. What do they put all those boxes and cans and packets and bottles on top of? Metal shelves! I mean, let’s get real here folks! If you can think of a better way to kill people through ricochets then I want to hear about it. Fact is, if the supermarket had used rubber shelves like it surely should have done, those ricochets couldn’t have hardly harmed nobody.
So already we’re seeing that the liberal presentation of this unfortunate but very minor event is all out of whack, and that in fact the so-called active shooter is the real victim in this case. How is a god-fearing patriot supposed to prevent people from throwing themselves in the way of harm? How can anyone possibly account for all the weird random behaviors we’re seeing these days because of criminal liberal facemask regulations?
Now I ain’t saying it ain’t sad that some folk got themselves shot. In fact I’m calling on the government to do something about it right now! We gotta impose mental health checks on all supermarket employees, and while we’re at it we should be carefully looking at the mental health of shoppers too. Because this is a mental health problem, not a gun problem. Everybody knows that guns save lives. The more guns we have, the more lives we save.
When it comes down to it, folk, this unhappy incident just goes to prove that we need more guns out there, not fewer. And I know I can count on each and every one of you retards to keep sending in your dues and keep repeating the slogans we feed you, so this wonderful nation of ours can carry on unchanged forever. Because, shit, 38,000 gunshot deaths a year is hardly anything to get worked up over. Remember: we’re the proud nation that is the only country on earth to ever drop nuclear bombs on unarmed civilians! We have a heritage to live up to, and I know you’re just dying to help.