How to survive the return to normality with your pride intact
OK, listen up! We know you got spooked by the media into acting like the world was coming to an end, even though obviously it wasn’t.
Hey, don’t feel so ashamed, everyone did it. And anyway, it generated a ton of extra ad revenues for Google and everyone else selling ad slots, so it wasn’t all bad. You made a lot of media barons very happy and even richer than they were before.
But back to you: all those fresh fruits & vegetables you bought, everything rotted, right? Cause let’s face it: who eats fruits & vegetables unless they’re chopped up small and used as pizza topping? But anyhow, all that stuff rotted away and you threw it in the trash like a good citizen should. No problem there.
The real problem is: you’ve got 4,282 rolls of toilet paper stashed in your garage, in your living room, in the hallway, and in the spare bedroom. There’s no way you’ll get through that many rolls any time soon so when people come to visit, there’s the evidence that you totally lost it, panicked, and bulk-bought like a crazy person.
Or as we say these days, like everyone else who let themselves get turned all hysterical by sensationalist media reports every thirty seconds.
You need to get rid of the evidence. How can you mock your friends for panicking if there’s clear evidence you were panicking too?
Fortunately, we’re here to help. Yes, we at Post Pandemic Priorities Inc. have a boatload of helpful suggestions for you.
Let’s go back to the fruits & vegetables for a moment. Why are the pointy-heads always telling us we should eat more of those things? Fiber. According to the so-called “experts” we need fiber in order to avoid getting clogged up. In reality it’s not a problem; the average US citizen only carries around about five days’ worth of semi-digested food in our bellies and we all get used to hemorrhoids eventually. Not a big deal. But let’s pretend for a moment that we actually do give a f*ck about fiber, and you’ll see where this is going.
What’s got a lot of fiber?
So we can solve two problems with one solution: get rid of the evidence and get rid of those intestinal blockages!
Here’s a couple of recipes to get you started. First up: ground beef and toilet paper loaf, served with fricassee of shredded toilet paper and a side of toilet paper ketchup.
Take four pounds of ground beef, add some black pepper and a few tablespoons of salt, pour in some high-fructose corn syrup, two eggs, and two rolls of toilet paper that you soaked in water for six hours. Mush together, cram into a baking tray, and bake at 425F for two hours. For the fricassee, shred two more rolls of toilet paper (you can get your kids to do this part; they love it!) and deep-fry them in hot oil. Salt thoroughly and then serve with toilet paper ketchup, made by soaking a roll of toilet paper in a 50:50 mix of vinegar and high-fructose corn syrup to which you add red food dye.
Next up: toilet paper pizza. For the base you take four rolls of toilet paper you’ve soaked in warm water and yeast for six hours at room temperature. Mush the paper into a pizza base and then smother with high-fructose corn syrup tomato paste and sprinkle with a mixture of mozzarella and finely-shredded toilet paper. Then add pepperoni, salami, sausage, and plenty of melted butter. Salt heavily, bake in the oven, and then watch as your children cram it down their happy little throats.
Now we’ve got you started, we’re confident you can think of plenty of other recipes along the same lines.
But eating the evidence won’t be enough to get rid of all those excess rolls, even with American-sized portions. So we need to get creative.
Sitting next to your lifetime’s stash of toilet paper are 2,108 cans of tinned tomatoes. Sure, you could try to mush the paper and tomatoes together and make bolognaise sauce, but let’s be realistic: it would take years to eat your way through the evidence. We need to look beyond our already-swollen bellies to answer this particular problem.
Fortunately our modern world comes to the rescue. We all have SUVs, right? But everyone knows the best SUVs have huge big-ass wheels and tires that jack you way up into the sky so you can look down on everyone else on the road. Now take a look at your SUV. Not so big-ass, right? But we can fix that!
What do big heavy ol’ SUVs need nearly as much as they need lots of fuel?
So here’s what you do: Take the wheels off your SUV and remove the tires from the rims. If you’re not sure how to do that, just take a sharp knife and slash away until the rubber falls off. Now take a can of tinned tomatoes. Wrap it in toilet paper. Take another tin, do the same thing. Repeat until you’ve got about 400 tins wrapped like this. Now make four big-ass wheels by gluing everything together onto the outside of those wheel rims you prepared earlier. Once the glue is dry, spray-paint everything black. Now mount them on your SUV.
You’ll look super-cool as you drive down the road. Plus, the noise you make will be awesome! And, best of all, those can-and-paper tires won’t last more than a mile or so, which means you can head home and make more can-and-paper tires! It shouldn’t take more than a couple of weeks, or one horrific tomato-stained accident, before you’ve significantly reduced the evidence of your panic-induced buying spree.
Of course getting rid of three years’ worth of food and toilet paper isn’t enough. You’re going to need to cultivate that oh-so-cool “I wasn’t worried” attitude so you can feel superior to everyone else who was induced into hysteria by the sensationalist media.
Here’s how you get started: stand in front of a full-length mirror, naked. (Yes, you probably want to do this when no one else is home.) Now say to yourself, “I wasn’t scared of covid-19.”
We recommend you do this on a floor that’s easy to wipe clean.
It may take several attempts before you can say it without an inadvertent bowel movement, but keep on trying!
Eventually you’ll be able to say the phrase without soiling yourself, without crying uncontrollably, and without that giveaway tremor in your voice or the twitching eyelid. One faraway day, when you’ve forgotten all about your recent media-induced terror (perhaps sometime next week), you’ll remember only how calm and level-headed you were during the crisis. And the first step is to practice and practice and practice some more until you can say “I wasn’t scared of covid-19” with the appearance of real conviction.
Remember: the path to success runs through self-deception.
There is of course one last problem: the six shotguns, fourteen handguns, eight hunting rifles, and three assault rifles you bought despite not knowing how to use any of them. Plus there’s all that ammo. How are you ever going to blast your way through 74,340 rounds of ammo? Especially when most of it’s the wrong caliber for the weapons you bought!
This is where kids come in very handy. Get a few of them to sort through the ammo and match it up with your weapons, more or less. Once you’ve got everything batched into piles, start loading up. Now here’s the great part: remember how kids love to run around blasting each other with water-pistols and nerf guns?
Pile everything into the back of your SUV (this time use real tires, as you’ll need to cover some distance for this to work out OK). Drive to a town where no one knows you. Park in a nice-looking neighborhood and find some bored-looking kids. Tell them you’ve got the best game ever, and get them to gather up all their friends. When you’ve got a group of ten or twelve kids, hand out the weapons and invite them all to blast away!
We recommend you head home as quickly as possible, as you probably don’t want to get stuff all over your nice SUV. Brains and blood washes off easily but bone fragments can really mess up your paintwork.
That concludes the first in our series of Post Pandemic Priorities.
Remember: you weren’t panicking. You were just taking sensible precautions….