Member-only story
Reality Airlines
How the safety briefing would sound if airlines told the truth
Welcome on board Reality Airlines and thanks to y’all for traveling with us. We know y’all have a choice of carriers and frankly with our margins and our annoying demand-based pricing we’re thrilled to have y’all here occupying our seats. Except for those of you who discovered we’ve over-sold the seats as a matter of routine in order to protect our margins and so won’t be traveling with us on this flight after all. Sorry ‘bout that, y’all.
OK, now listen up. We all know that your boarding process was a mess, but our marketing folk tell us you’d hate us if we boarded you rationally, from the rear forward and with the window seat passengers first. So we let y’all just jostle and get annoyed with each other instead of being annoyed at us. Sure makes our lives easier! But no matter how banged up and hostile y’all feel in consequence of all of our boarding hassle, we want y’all to listen up and pay attention to our good ol’ safety briefing.
Y’all know the usual schtick: life vest under your seat, brace position, all that crap, right?
Well, not here. Nosiree.
Here at Reality Airlines we give it to y’all damn straight.
First off, if we do end up having a hard landing, or what the media loves to refer to as a “crash,” then basically…
