When we look around the world today it’s easy to become discouraged: seventy-four million US voters voting for an infantile orange moron; Brexit; Modi’s increasingly successful campaign to turn India into the biggest single genocide in human history; the ease with which Putin continues to manipulate naïve Western citizens and politicians into destroying their own nations (hello Trump, Brexit, Le Pen, Salvini…); and the generic human folly that ensures regular horrors.
Add to this the fact that eight billion of us are consuming natural resources at a completely unsustainable rate, destroying vast ocean ecosystems, burning down the last remains of the rainforests, and pumping greenhouse gasses into the atmosphere in ever-greater quantities.
But all these things that the lefty-trendy liberals worry about aren’t the real threat.
No, the real threat to humanity is the one-in-a-billion chance of a medium-sized asteroid colliding with the Earth and causing an extinction event. That’s what we really have to worry about. Especially because that asteroid is being guided here by the Lizard People as part of their Grand Plan to take over the world.
So it’s obvious we need our own Grand Plan to save humanity.
Fortunately we have visionaries like Elon Musk to show us the way. All we need to do in order to save humanity is adapt Elon’s marvelous plan to create a billionaire’s panic room on Mars and widen the scope a little.
Instead of a handful of rocketships dedicated to carrying the ultra-wealthy to the red planet, we need to build thousands in every nation on Earth. We can do this by recognizing the urgency of the task and repurposing some of the trillions of dollars channeled to military budgets, candy, McSlop & Kentucky Fried Cancer, and soda.
After all, there’s no free launch.
By applying trillions of dollars to this worthy cause we will be able to build thousands of Musk’s BFRs, each capable of carrying more than five hundred normal human beings (or eighty-three average US citizens) out of the Earth’s gravity well and then of course onward to Mars.
It will be important to ensure that those who are about to be saved will be eager to make the journey. We’ll create delightful CGI images of the unbelievable life that awaits them on the red planet: fully-automated lay-Z-boy chairs with built-in systems for supplying endless soda and fried food, with a fully-integrated waste disposal system so that no one need ever get up in order to perform their once-a-month rectal purge. As Mars has only a third of Earth’s gravity, the morbidly obese will instantly have their weight problems solved. Best of all, the new inhabitants of Mars’ temperate balmy climate will be able to enjoy their usual diet of fried chicken, fried candy bars, fried butter, and fried fries.
Our slogan: On Mars, Everything (including the life support systems) Will Be Fried!
As with all aspects of life, we’ll need to prioritize. We will need to ensure we’re saving the most important people first. Therefore the initial five years of intensive launches will be dedicated to saving politicians, government bureaucrats, lawyers, human resources professionals, journalists, reality TV stars, and everyone who voted for Trump, Brexit, Modi, Le Pen, Bolsonaro, Babiš, Orban, Erdogan, Duterte, Salvini, et al. Once these VIPs have been saved we will then save developers of phone apps, everyone who posts pictures of their food on social media, InstaSnap “influencers,” and architects, along with everyone involved in creating mass entertainments such as action movies, procedurals, telenovelas, reality TV shows, and sports broadcasting.
We will also increase the joy of every launch by outfitting each passenger in a specially-tailored Super Special Astronaut Suit. Made of cotton with seams containing one of several special metals, these suits will be comfortable and figure-flattering. Those launching from the USA, France, the UK, Australia, New Zealand, Chile, and the Netherlands will have a choice of seams containing magnesium, strontium carbonate, and copper chloride. Those launching from Hungary, India, and Madagascar will have a choice of seams containing barium chloride and strontium carbonate. The suits of Ukrainian passengers will have seams containing copper chloride and sodium nitrate. Each seam selection will be carefully chosen to sparkle with patriotic pride.
As a gift to those waiting eagerly on the ground for their turn to take the magical mystery trip to Mars, we’ll arrange for a spectacular display of shooting stars just a few minutes after each BFR rises from its launchpad. As launches will be scheduled for sunset, this will guarantee a must-see display for those watching from below, further increasing their appetite to clamber on board when it’s their turn to depart. US citizens will see red, white, and blue shooting stars while those in India will see red and green, for example.
We are 100% confident that each launch will be accompanied by displays in the national colors, though we have to admit it would be inaccurate to say that the procedure will be entirely seamless.
It may well be the case that after the really important people have been saved, the few remaining humans will have to wait until more rocketships can be built from whatever funds remain. We can only hope that these unfortunate people are able to eke out some kind of existence for themselves in the years that follow, as the planet slowly recovers from the ravages of the Anthropocene and ecosystems recover some of their former richness.
No doubt those poor wretched left-behinds will gaze up at the night sky and think to themselves, at least we have the comfort of knowing that the BFR program saved the best of humanity.