Saving The Republican Party
How the Jim Crow laws can be updated to meet the needs of the 21st century
God-loving Republican politicians across the USA are still reeling from the discovery that despite all previous gerrymandering, voter suppression, and outright intimidation, it’s still possible for a traitorous liberal baby-eating god-hating Democrat to garner sufficient votes that even the USA’s gloriously dysfunctional Electoral College system can’t prevent disaster befalling our great nation.
Obviously something must be done. And that something is to bring back much-needed Jim Crow laws. Across our land, more than 258 separate pieces of legislation are being promoted by patriotic Republican politicians to ensure that never again can such a calamity befall the greatest nation on Earth. While Georgia has been at the forefront of these essential efforts, many other right-thinking States are not far behind.
There is, however, a problem.
The good ol’ Jim Crow laws were enacted at a time when people knew that precious funds should not be squandered on pretending to educate the lesser races. So it was easy to insist on measures that meant would-be voters had to prove they could read and write. Especially in everyday foreign languages like Latin and classical Greek. When dark-skinned people attempted to sneak into voting booths to disrupt democracy by casting votes for the wrong candidate, they were easily stopped. Can’t read this line from Homer or Horace? Sorry, boy, no vote for you.
These laws were fair and just. We applied them to white men too, every once in a while. We’d give Bobby-Joe Gutdangler a real tough sentence like Jane ran down the hill and if he couldn’t more-or-less make it through to the end with only a teeny-tiny bit of help, well then sir, Bobby-Joe would just have to come back with someone who could read before he’d be allowed to vote a few times for the right candidate. Can’t say fairer than that.
But today we’ve got ourselves a problem. Fact is, since the great Nixon campaign of 1968, we’ve been segmenting and targeting and refining our strategy just like those advertising agency boys told us to do. And, by golly, it’s worked! Despite losing the so-called popular vote, we’ve had ourselves four Republican Presidents over the last hundred or so years who got themselves into the White House despite too many folks voting the wrong way. We’ve got an almost perfect record retaining the Senate, and though it’s true we’ve not yet got a total lock on the House, we’re getting there!
And how did we do it, you ask? Simple! We made sure we were talking to the people who’ve made this nation the greatest show on Earth: ordinary folk.
These are the folk who believe whatever we tell them, bless their flabby little hearts and distended stomachs! We tell them we’re the Party of small government and balanced budgets and by golly, they believe us! Who’s to know we’ve expanded government and hugely increased the Federal debt every time we’ve won the White House? Not our voters, that’s for sure! We tell them we believe in family values and then because of the biased fake-news liberal press we keep getting stories about god-fearing Republican politicians being caught with young men in airport toilets and then, well, guess what? Our voters just ignore those stories! Put them down to liberal media bias.
Fact is, we’ve done such a great job of targeting ordinary everyday morons that we can say and do anything we want and they’ll still vote for whoever has an R next to their name on the ballot box. When Trump gets back into office in 2024, I bet he can rape tiny children all dressed up as Ivanka right there in the Oval Office on camera and ordinary decent god-fearing Republican voters will still line up to worship him and give us all their votes.
But here’s the problem: we’ve done such a fine job taking hold of all the morons in our great nation that we can’t just recycle those old Jim Crow laws. Fact is, someone somewhere will show up with a film crew or some busybody from the Department of Justice and insist we apply the same test to a right-thinking Republican voter. And then what?
So we can’t use the old-style reading test. The people who vote for us are basically brain-dead zombies. And that’s great for getting votes, but not so lively for passing any kind of test. Because if these people weren’t total morons, they wouldn’t be voting for us, would they?
It’s pretty damn clear we need a new set of Jim Crow laws fit and ready for the 21st century. Laws that ensure dark-skinned folk and those with more than a second-grade education are rightfully barred from interfering with democratic elections by trying to cast votes for the wrong candidate. We need morons and ultra-rich folk we can protect by passing the right kinds of laws. Everybody else is just a terrorist subversive trying to wreck the greatest nation on Earth by imposing socialism, banning us from worshiping god, raping our guns, and taking away our wives.
OK, not so bad on the last one, I admit. But raping our guns? Never!
So here’s what we’re gonna do: just like our criminal justice system that does such a fine job of locking away dark-skinned people so they can’t bother us decent white folk, we’re gonna use people’s voting records. If you or anyone in your family ever voted for a liberal, that proves you’re unfit to vote. And we’ll make voting public, record every vote on one of them fancy CCTV cameras, so if anyone should try to spoil their vote by putting their mark against the wrong candidate, we’ll pull them out of there faster than you can say Ronald Reagan and throw them in the slammer. Democracy is so important we can’t risk anyone trying to wreck it by voting the wrong way.
Best part is, all those turkeys who vote for us will lap it all up like it was a chicken-fried stake with cheese & syrup waffles with crunchy bacon bits wrapped up inside!
Now a few folk who can actually read may walk off with the mistaken impression this is satire or some other such nonsense. All I can say is: just you wait and see, boy.
Just you wait and see.