Senator Cotton Sets The Record Straight
Why it’s important not to pay attention to misleading things like the words that come out of my mouth
Good people of America, I’m writing this letter to y’all to set the record straight. As usual, the lying liberal media has created a totally misleading impression by quoting things I said and completely leaving out all the things I didn’t say. As our great President always tells us, if it’s a fact then its just fake news, am I right?
So here’s the deal: sure, I did say that founding our great nation on the institution of slavery was a necessary evil. But look what it’s given us today: a nation in which any white man born into a wealthy family can leverage his privileges to become a billionaire! And if that’s not equal opportunity then I don’t know what is.
As for the idea that I’m a racist, nothing could be further from the truth. I’m the least racist person in the universe. You can ask any of my negro servants and they’ll all tell you the same thing: I believe in equality of opportunity. Any man or woman, no matter how dark their skin, is entitled to work as my cook, gardener, chauffeur, or cleaner so long as they prove they’re up to the job.
In fact, I was just talking the other day to my boy who cleans the pool. He’s been with us for thirty-nine years now and I really will learn his name the moment I have some free time but those Ku Klux Klan Appreciation Society meetings don’t run themselves, you know! Anyhow, as I was saying, I was talking to my pool boy and I asked him if he agreed with me that it’s a darn good thing his ancestors came here at no charge to themselves at all as slaves, otherwise today he’d be stuck cleaning someone’s pool in Africa. And although Africa is a darn big country, and as I always say to my young friends down at the YMCA I do respect size, Africa’s got a heap of problems.
You ever hear of Africa? Ain’t been there myself of course but I’m told they have corrupt politicians, totally out-of-control police, people sleeping on the streets, and a heap of folk who can’t afford any kind of medical care whatsoever. Can you imagine such a thing? Thank the good lord we live in the USA, that’s what I say. And my pool boy agrees with me. Because he knows who’s paying him. I mean, he’s a legitimate political expense as sure as the world is six thousand years old and as flat as a pancake.
I told him boy, you’ll even be allowed to vote one day, just as soon as we can be certain you people will vote the right way like we tell you to.
So I hope this clears things up and proves with absolute clarity that I am not, and have never been, a racist. Why, I can’t even spell the word predjidis prejudys pregydees racist.
Now y’all don’t forget to turn out and vote this November for me and our fantastic President who is living proof that no matter what the color of your skin you can still despite everything reach the top in our great nation.
Grand Wizard (2nd Class, trainee)