Statement From The British Prime Minister
Hello, good evening, and welcome.
First let me say how shocked we all were to see the awful events that occurred last week in the capital of our greatest ally, a nation with whom we’ve had a close and special relationship since before my nanny fed me my first slice of hot buttered toast.
I know the events we all saw on television have shocked the good people of the United Kingdom, especially as for the past four years the British government has had a firm policy of toadying to President Trump and refusing to criticize him in any way. Indeed, we lavished a State visit on him and he was invited to a sleepover at Buckingham Palace where he sexually assaulted two of the Queen’s corgis and urinated over a portrait of Princess Anne.
But this was a small, indeed insignificant, price to pay for a special relationship that has benefited us immensely over the years. For example, the USA has never actually invaded Britain. And given their track record of invading lots of countries for no real reason at all, that’s a pretty substantial benefit.
Some people, mistaken and unkind people, have suggested that President Trump’s endless lies shine a bad light on my own propensity for alternative facts and, frankly, telling enormous whoppers. To which I say now, in no uncertain terms, pish.
To begin with, let me remind you that my lies came first. Brexit happened before Trump and so if anyone was copying anyone it was Trump copying me.
But that’s not what I want to talk about here. No, what is extremely important for everyone in Britain to realize is that Trump’s lies were corrosive and destructive whereas my, shall we say, slight bending of the literal truth, was entirely for the benefit of the United Kingdom. Any tiny exaggerations I may have made — and I’m not admitting anything here, in case anyone is taking notes — were purely in the service of our great nation.
Some people have accused me of lying about the EU, lying about the benefits of Brexit, and lying about how easy it would be to leave, simply because every single fact contradicts my assertions. But technically that doesn’t mean I was lying. I was simply presenting the other side of the story, which is why the BBC so helpfully printed and broadcast everything I said without ever once drawing attention to the glaring discrepancies between my claims and objective reality.
And let’s be honest: everything worked out rather well. I became Prime Minister, a position of great importance that comes with a salary sufficient for me no longer to have to rely on my old job. Personally I can’t think of a bigger win. Those people who moan endlessly about Brexit destroying four million British jobs, wrecking the future of our best and brightest, and leading to an eventual collapse of the NHS and our brave armed forces, are just bad losers. Fortunately the far-sighted citizens who cast their vote for Brexit know better than to pay any attention to things that actually happen. What matters is the dream! And the dream will live forever, even if those who voted for Brexit won’t.
Anyhow, to return to what I was saying before: now that President Trump is on the way out I feel much braver and thus compelled to say how shocked, deeply shocked, I was to see the riot on Capitol Hill. This is definitely — and here I stress the word definitely in a very serious way indeed — not ever to be emulated here in Great Britain.
No one should ever think, even for a minute, of trying to storm the Houses of Parliament. We have ten police officers on duty at all times, and they are armed with small batons. Personally I cannot think of a stronger deterrent against all who would attempt to gain unlawful entry to this hallowed place of government.
Although thanks to Brexit-induced austerity those numbers will be reduced to two, and they will have to supply their own uniforms. But that’s beside the point. They will still be carrying recently-sharpened pencils and those can give a person a nasty jab, I can tell you!
Right, I hope this has cleared everything up for everyone watching and listening tonight. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go and toady to President-Elect Biden. I wonder if he’s met the Queen yet…?
Oh, one last thing: I’m still available for children’s parties as Boris the Bending Marvel, Saturdays and Sundays from two until five in the afternoon, bargain price, one hundred pounds, or whatever food is left over afterward.
Thank you and goodnight.