Statement From The British Prime Minister

Condemning the events of 6th January in Washington DC

Image credit: Politico

Hello, good evening, and welcome.

First let me say how shocked we all were to see the awful events that occurred last week in the capital of our greatest ally, a nation with whom we’ve had a close and special relationship since before my nanny fed me my first slice of hot buttered toast.

I know the events we all saw on television have shocked the good people of the United Kingdom, especially as for the past four years the British government has had a firm policy of toadying to President Trump and refusing to criticize him in any way. Indeed, we lavished a State visit on him and he was invited to a sleepover at Buckingham Palace where he sexually assaulted two of the Queen’s corgis and urinated over a portrait of Princess Anne.

But this was a small, indeed insignificant, price to pay for a special relationship that has benefited us immensely over the years. For example, the USA has never actually invaded Britain. And given their track record of invading lots of countries for no real reason at all, that’s a pretty substantial benefit.

Some people, mistaken and unkind people, have suggested that President Trump’s endless lies shine a bad light on my own propensity for alternative facts…