How adopting a lateral revenue model can save the adult entertainment industry from penury
Although among the many pieces of paper upon which my name is inked is the inevitable MBA, I confess I do not understand the economic model of online pornography. As best as I can tell from my sporadic encounters with what Google earnestly informs me are the more popular vanilla websites, there is a plethora of content. In fact there’s a veritable tsunami of home-made and quasi-professional videos that probably amounts to hundreds of thousands of hours per year — more content than the most ardent devotee of solitary pleasures could possibly consume even if they were to dedicate themselves to the task every hour of the day without respite (but with plenty of lubricant).
And this content is free.
This is the part of the business model I do not understand. Even if much of the content is uploaded by people who are motivated by an irrepressible sense of public (or pubic) duty, there are considerable storage and bandwidth costs incurred by the website. There are thus expenses but very little in the way of obvious revenues.
Pondering this, I have come to realize that the solution for those impoverished porn-site owners is simple: adopt the model so successfully popularized by Formula One motorsport.
Just think: that impressive erection proudly wielded by the male performer could easily accommodate a few corporate logos. Chiquita Banana and Pillsbury Self-Rising Flour are two obvious choices for this particular part of the human anatomy.
For those scenes in which intimacy is achieved twixt lip and genitals, Oral-B would surely be prepared to pay a decent sum to have their brand logo positioned tastefully on a suitable spot.
When it comes to the ever-popular anal sex scene it’s obvious than Pennzoil or Spanish Extra Virgin Olive Oil would smoothly slide into the perfect product-placement opportunity, while Elon Musk could begin building brand awareness for his next can’t-fail venture by paying to have the following pop-up appearing over the action: After Mars, Uranus!
Dole would inevitably be the corporate sponsor of choice for female chest parts, these being the perfect way to advertise melons and cantaloupe, although Danone and Parmalat could doubtless also see the space as an attractive display opportunity. After all, those milk products don’t sell themselves! And what large manufacturer of pert sugary buns could resist emblazoning its corporate logo across the shapely derriere of a tanned-and-toned starlet?
Male homosexual porn would be an obvious sponsorship opportunity for the NFL as well as the ideal recruitment opportunity. One can imagine the voiceover: “Wouldn’t you like to find a tight end? Or do you think being a wide receiver would be a whole lot more satisfying? Either way, you’ll look great in lycra pants. So come join the National Football League: where men get to play proudly with other men in public.”
Moving to the other side of the chromosome field, the mandatory lesbian scenes can be sponsored by KFC and prominently feature the tag-line Finger-Lickin’ Good! Additionally, Basin-Robbins can affix its corporate logo upon some suitably prominent body-part to promote its new expanded menu: 69 Flavors. No doubt Joseph-Joseph, maker of Power Grip Scissors, would also be interested in advertising its wares in this manner. In the USA it is inevitable that Taco Bell would ultimately become the pre-eminent sponsor of girl-on-girl action.
Tupperware would eagerly pay to have its logo appear in scenes in which the female performer is simultaneously penetrated in all three major orifices, to promote its claim of the best air-tight seal in the business!
Weber, the makers of fine BBQ equipment for the discerning Sunday dilettante, are a shoe-in for sponsoring spit-roast scenes, and practically every “money shot” can be sponsored by the US Navy, for who better to benefit from such an abundance of homophonic serendipity? Imagine the slogan: “If you thrill to the sight of a huge vessel full of seamen, we’ve got a battleship or submarine for you!”
For scenes in which one party drops to their knees in order to pleasure the other party, the natural corporate benefactor is Otis the elevator manufacturer, whose corporate slogan Going Down All Over The USA makes them the ideal partner.
When you come to think of it (as it were…) it’s amazing this money-spinning opportunity hasn’t already been as exploited as most of the performers already are. The average human body has a surface area of 1.9 m² and thus provides ample room for a wide variety of logos and tag-lines.
Yellow Freight could emblazon their logo across someone’s testicles with their corporate motto, “We deliver the biggest loads” and no doubt executives at Tiffany’s would burst with pleasure at the opportunity to sponsor pearl necklaces.
These are all, so far, mainstream pleasures, the sort of thing your average ten-year-old watches before bedtime these days. There are, inevitably, more specialist tastes that disreputable old Uncle Internet also caters to in abundance. Bloater King and McSlop can vie to sponsor performers specializing in heavyweight entertainment and no doubt makers of incontinence pants can wet the appetite of audiences around the globe by sponsoring those who specialize in golden showers. Makers of especially sturdy beds and domestic cleaning products could also be interested in having their logos subtly presented at just the right moment in the action.
As for videos featuring one performer gratefully swallowing the golden stream issuing forth from another, it is impossible to think of a more suitable way to promote otherwise-undrinkable Greek dessert wine.
It would be otiose to enumerate the many and splendid opportunities presented by this new business model; the few sketched here are more than sufficient to illustrate the thesis. Perhaps in future we shall thrill to the sight of rapid pit-stops between scenes as well-honed support teams change lubrication, grease nipples, and adjust pressures before ushering the star back onto the track for more thrills and spills to entertain the rest of us who merely sit and watch, wide-eyed, for the Grand Climax.