Stop The Steal!
How good Republican patriots everywhere can prepare for the coming battle against the lies and stolen votes of the Biden baby-eating god-haters
Hey, listen up! You’re not alone, okay? Some poll by some company somewhere says that 88% of us patriotic god-fearing pro-life right-thinkers know that those slimy demo-rats are trying to steal the election.
But you know what? We’re not gonna stand for it!
No sir, we’re not. But we can’t just waddle into the street with our AR-15s bouncing off our bellies. We gotta prepare. Civil war ain’t for the faint of heart. Or, for that matter, for the congested-of-heart. So we need to get ourselves ready for the End Of Days.
First off, we gotta cleanse ourselves. And what’ better for a good old-school cleansing than a bottle of bleach? Every single one of us should get at least a pint into our bellies so we can be ready for the coming pocky-lips.
Next up: firearms. Sure, you think you got a round in the chamber and when you pull back the slide or the bolt a little to check, it looks like there’s a round in there. But is there really? I mean, really? Nobody wants that “dead man’s click” when you’re out shooting demo-rat traitors, right? So to be sure, look down the barrel with your good eye and have a buddy pull the trigger. This is a foolproof way to tell if you’ve got a round in there and it’s the way the Navy SEALs train. I know it’s true ’cause I think I heard a guy say it during the second half of the Superbowl one year and you can’t get better testy-money than that.
So now you’re all cleansed and you know there was a round in the chamber. Time to make sure that good ol’ four-by-four is ready for action. Jacked up suspension: check. Extra-big tires: check. Modified exhaust that spews black smoke whenever you mash the pedal: check. Proud confederate flag flying from the cab: check. But hey: what if some demo-rat crawled under your rig and cut the brake lines? That would be a mighty poor turn of events. But you know what? You can fool them: cut your own brake lines! That way, you’ll already know they’re gone when you get in your rig and drive off, so them demo-rats can’t surprise you with their sneaky tricks. In the military that’s what they call tack-ticks.
Now all true America-loving patriots know the importance of a good ballistic vest. Sure, those demo-rats are scared of guns but you never know when one of your good buddies will accidentally let off a few thousand rounds, some of which could just maybe bounce around a bit and come your way. How do you know if that ballistic vest will do its job when you need it? Only way to tell: strap on your Kevlar and get a buddy with a .50 cal rifle to stand a good distance back, maybe as much as five or six yards, and put a round into it. There’s no better way to test your equipment and this way you’ll know just how much your vest can protect you when bad stuff starts to do down.
The other thing we all need to do is get our homes ready for the battle to come. The easiest way to do this is to cut down some good old-fashioned pine trees, trim them into logs, and build barriers all round your house. God invented the chainsaw just for this very purpose. But it’s thirsty work handling that ol’ chainsaw, so it’s best to get yourself ready by downing two or three bottles of Kentucky’s finest whiskey before you start. Patriots know nothing goes better together than whiskey and chainsaws, unless maybe it’s whiskey and guns.
So listen up, all you right-thinking god-loving fellow-patriots: follow these simple instructions and we’ll surely be doing our part to truly make America a far better place.